Movies from the Multiverse-Captain Planet

So yeah, this is the creepiest thing I’ve seen all week…

Movies From the Multiverse-Captain Planet

I used to be in love with the idea of gritty remakes of good, old-fashioned kid’s shows. I used to laugh at the murderous little shock skits of Robot Chicken, where the Hanna Barbera characters would turn into serial killers and I died laughing when I saw the Batman-gets-his-spine-broken gag on the DC comics special.

It very nearly ruined Dark Kinght Returns for me, to be honest. Couldn’t stop singing the jig whenever Bane did something badass.

But I got pretty sick of it, really fast, mostly because Hollywood has become drunk off its pornography of pessimism, counting on shock value and nostalgia to produce dark, grimy movies with no entertainment value beyond the first screening. However, as this trend does not show any real signs of waning, I have chosen to place my two cents on the Internet, in the vain hope that maybe I can make abuse a franchise that has so far eluded any attempts to remake it, mostly due to its overwhelming cheesiness.

With that in mind, I give you:

The Shapescapes Captain Planet Grim and Gritty Remake:

Cue over-produced chorus remake of the Captain planet theme song

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What i Think About Stuff-Man Of Steel

 Dun-dududun-duhduhduhduhduhdDUHDUHDUHDUH-DUNDUDDDUUUUNN-DUHDUHDUHDUH-DUHDUUNN!

What I Think About Stuff-Man Of Steel

Disclaimer: This is not strictly a review, but more of a short presentation on my opinion on Man Of Steel. If you were looking for a comprehensive analysis on the movie, then you won’t find it here. What you WILL find is the opinion of a Superman nerd on the latest movie. For a complete take-down, visit Rhamy Payne’s Cross-Up blog and follow his blow-by-blow analysis of the film’s flaws.

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Imperium Reginae, Part Two-Races of the Empire

 

Life begets life, begets intelligence.

 

Imperium Reginae, Part Two-Races of the Empire

The Austro-Russian Empire spans four planets, each brimming with life. Its subjects range from plain old, boring humanity to the Elves and Drow of Selene to even the alien Rakasha of Agathodaimon.

But what is the role and function of each of intelligent race of the Empire? How do they fit in the greater scheme of things? What is their position and function? In the interest of avoiding going into too much detail, I will instead provide a rough guide to the class and caste distinction of Imperial Society.

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Mister Patches

My grandma gave me Mister Patches when I was just four years old and still afraid of the dark.

“Just hold it close when the lights go out and make sure you don’t let go” she’d whispered in my ear, as she handed me the disheveled teddy bear. Mister Patches was a veteran of two World Wars, and it showed: he had a button for an eye and a square of tricolette fabric on his belly. He had plaid armpits and the ends of his feet were clad in felt. His smile was crooked, the black thread that originally outlined his mouth long since torn, replaced halfway through by a bright blue thread. It made his mouth look funny, like he was smiling two different kinds of smiles:

“One” my grandma said, pointing at the black-thread half “is for children that have good-dreams. The other” she turned Mister Patches, showing the mad zig-zag of blue “is for bogeymen, which Mister Patches eats.”

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Imperium Reginae, Part One

Orbs spinning in the void, kept in line by ruthless gravity

Human Slaves of An Insect Nation-Imperium Reginae (a bare-bones attempt at creating a steampunk setting)

I was never really partial to steampunk. Not because I found the genre to be beneath me, but because when you’ve been raised on a steady diet of British trip-your-balls-off science fiction and Japanese psychic supermen, well…

You can’t exactly go back to pretending like you give a damn about Star Trek

But steampunk (for all the unnecessary goggles, dials and cogs that it has added to perfectly functional designs), has also added a great deal of awesome to pop culture, the kind that you can’t exactly shrug off and pretend like it doesn’t exist. It bridges fantasy and science fiction in that very special, bullshit science kind of way that I have come to respect and admire.

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Human Slaves of An Insect Nation, Part 13-Sexy In Spandex (short)

I’m only eating this dude because he’s EVIL! What? Eating people’s wrong now? Oh screw you, society, screw you!

Human Slaves of An Insect Nation, Part 13 (shortie)-Sexy In Spandex

I was always curious as to why almost every attempt of mine to run anything other than a fantasy campaign failed so utterly. It took me about ten years before I made an honest, earnest attempt at setting up an overarching plot, devoting all my brainjuice into this singular act of weaving a long-running supers story and two years before I could properly run it, before I realized what I had been doing wrong.

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Jar-Pet

Intelligent, Playful, Resourceful Jar-Pet For Adoption!

Are you a high-energy person with no time to care for a regular pet? We've got you covered!

Introducing the Jar-Pet! What’s a Jar-Pet, you’ll ask? It’s the answer to your prayers!

I found my Jar-Pet in my home’s cellar, abandoned its previous owner prior to his annihilating his entire family. Extremely intelligent, highly conversant and adaptable, the Jar-Pet is fluent in a number of languages (most of them dead) and an expert in the occult.

But that’s not all! The Jar-Pet is also highly resilient and can subsist for weeks without food, air or water. It cannot be harmed and is immune to all diseases. Believe me, I've tried.

Interested in adopting a Jar-Pet? Then call the number below!

WARNING: The Jar-Pet is not intended to be owned by or exposed to, children. It must not be kept in a room containing -or in proximity to- religious symbols. Owners of the Jar-Pet accept full responsibility for its dietary needs at the moment of adoption. The Jar-Pet should not be removed from its provided container, no matter how much it pleads. Should the Jar-Pet nest and/or breed inside a tenement the previous owner holds no responsibility for its actions, up to and including injury, loss of spiritual and mental integrity and loss of life.

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What I Think About Stuff-Y the Last Man Review

Yorick Brown, hard at work trying not to look like he’s taking a shit.

What I Think About Stuff-Y The Last Man

I don’t like Y the Last Man.

But it’s the feminist comic book epic of the decade, effenti!

Yes. I know. And I don’t like it. To be honest, I didn’t not enjoy it because it was poorly written, or because the premise offended my overly masculine sensibilities or because its art was shit or even because the comic book failed miserably at bringing its point across. This is not at all the case.

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Foundation Initiation, Take One

 

"You were chosen because you survived."

"You saw the things that dwelt inside and beside and within reality, or you stepped into the places where the universe burst at the seams, and you came out the other side. 

You're here because you came out of something that defied understanding through luck, grit, or sheer bloody-minded tenacity."

"You were dragged from the ruins of your life, torn and bloodied, thinking that it was God's will or doing that brought you there.

"It wasn't. It was terror and tragedy transmitted into the fabric of your lives in indecipherable tongues.

"You were ants, caught in a flood as your world was swept away in the dark, screaming."

The man coughed once, then flicked his cigarette in the nether regions off-screen.

"That is no longer the case."

The reel ended, leaving behind the sound of old film, whipping itself like an old flagellant. The assorted crowd rustled uneasily in their seats. No words were spoken; there were whispers of fabrics on skin; the nervous, repeated flicks of lights conjuring flame.

Finally, the doctor spoke his four-word incantation:

"Welcome to the Foundation."

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Human Slaves of An Insect Nation, Part 12-Chillin wit' Da Villains

I find your lack of phat beats…disturbing.

Human Slaves of An Insect Nation, Part 12-Chillin’ Like Villains

In the previous installment of the series, I detailed a few stepw toward generating a campaign villain: a creature that, despite its complexities and motivations, is wholly and utterly commandeered and controlled by you, the Storyteller, for the duration of the campaign.

Fellow redittor MetaMeh commented on last week’s article, proposing I focus on giving some tips (or more specifically, my own ideas) on handling the dynamics of more than one villains. As this is a subject that requires almost an entire thesis on its presentation and handling, I have instead chosen to take the easier road and try to address something that, again, focuses on a number of evil people, but does not require any in-depth look into campaign dynamics.

In short, evil characters.

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Why Haven't You read This? Part 4-I Can't do this Rhyming Shit Anymore

First Google result when you type ‘read’ that’s not a stock photo. The internet IS marvelous.

Why Haven’t You Read This? Part 4-Can’t do this rhyming shit anymore

Moving on to cheap entertainment alternatives on the Internet that aren’t cat videos (and are in fact, more than competent works of fiction), here’s the 4^th installment to cheap, awesome stuff you can find online for free!

But before we move on, a quick nod to fellow scifi nerd and reviewer, Rusty Keele, who has done me the huge favor of letting me do short science fiction story reviews on his website, Bestsciencefictionstories.com. By the time you’re reading this, Rusty, it will be the 1-year anniversary of our collaboration! I’d buy you dinner, dude, but since we’re both at either ends of the planet, here’s a cool robot that’s flying above the Earth!

There’s a lady riding on top of it, but you’re the pilot!

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Movies from the Multiverse-Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Always wanted to do that…

Movies from the Multiverse-Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

I don’t know about you guys, but I loved the Mummy Movies (1&2 that is). They were cheesy, they were dumb but above all, they were entertaining as all Hell. The Mummy 2 especially was knee-slappingly hilarious, with its attempt to create a mythos that would, in turn, spawn a franchise but remaining above all competent at its attempt to carry a pretty straightforward narrative across.

Oh sure, it made a bunch of Egyptians and Egyptiologists mad and probably got Tutankhamen rolling in his grave, but those were the party-poopers that probably laughed along with everyone else when Xena: Warrior Princess took a major dump all over Greek Mythology, thereby rendering me oblivious to their collective butthurt.

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Human Slaves Of An Insect Nation, Part 11-Villainin'

Pitch-black schemes hatched in pitch-black depths, by ArchAngel73

Human Slaves of An Insect Nation, Part 11-Villainin’

A good friend of mine once said, as I was busy explaining to him my outline of Prototype’s plot in a manner that made its story appear, at the very least, competent, that…

‘Villains are important, dude. They like, make up for half the game.’

Needless to say, this was the sort of casual use of ABSOLUTE NARRATIVE WISDOM that occasionally grips my friends mid-conversation that just stuck in my brain and gave me the burning desire to elaborate on.

Of course, my constant attempts to bring back this spark of cosmic epiphany to my friend, failed; the bastard, after dispensing his bit, had left me to do the heavy lifting.

That was two years ago.

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Argo by Vasileios Kalampakas

Under the harsh light of an alien world...

The sound of small, shuffling feet roused Penthesileia from an uneasy, troubled sleep.

She rolled to the other side of her bed and slowly opened her eyes; she saw Heraclea standing by
the bedside in the dim blueish light of the glowstrips. The child’s face was pale white and taut
with fright. Her mouth was half-open, as if her scream had been sucked into the silent void.

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At the foot of my bed

There’s someone standing at the foot of my bed.

Every night for the past week, as my eyelids grow heavy and I slip into unconsciousness he comes out, his hands grasping the metal railing, rising one inch at a time.

He peeks out his head first. Black and featureless, a pair of cobalt-blue eyes set high up where the eyebrows should be. Then out come his shoulders, then his chest until he’s fully upright. He looks like a store mannequin; sexless, starved. I know I’m sleeping but my eyes are open and I see him, but I can’t bring myself to talk to him, or reach out to him. The gaunt man just stands there, his eyes transfixed to mine, his breathing shallow and ragged.

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Simulated Children

We’ve all done it, when we’re bored with them. When their tiny little lives remind us so much of our own and their tiny little houses are digitized reflections of our own dream homes (which we find to be ridiculous and obscene, when we finally realize them). Other times, it’s when we grow tired of the adult’s constant pleas for attention or the children’s screaming in the middle of the night. Some set their houses on fire and watch with interest and a tiny bit of glee at the tiny things on screen screaming gibberish and pray to their gods as their lives are reduced to ash. Others remove their pool ladders and watch as the sims drown, their simple little brains addled by this minor hindrance.

Myself, I loved starving them to death. I’d build a wall around my sims at an unexpected time (at a point when their lives seemed to be going smoothly, picture-perfectly) and then watch them as they looked up at me and screamed pictures. First bathroom, then boredom, then exhaustion. I’d never speed the process up. I’d just watch as their pleas became much more frequent and erratic, muting my speakers when their gibbering began to annoy me and watch them soil themselves and slowly waste away.

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Human Slaves Of An Insect Nation, Part 10-Games I won't Get To Run

 Yes sir, only motherfucking wayto travel by Stupid_Crow

Human Slaves of an Insect Nation, Part 10-Games I won’t get to run

Everybody gets a crazy idea stuck in their heads sometimes. Isaac Newton was absolutely convinced that a mysterious gas/element that burns everything but exists only for microseconds at a time existed, even as he kept the theory of gravity in the backburner. A dude called Kevin Eastman and his BFF, Peter Laird, thought it would be fun to make a story about teenage turtles with ninja skills and Renaissance painter names.

Some Japanese dude thought to himself: Imma make me a game that’s kinda about abortion, but it’s mostly intended as sociopolitical commentary! For kids!

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Human Slaves of An Insect Nation, Part 9-Wing It

Eh, it’ll hold.

Human Slaves of An Insect Nation-Just Wing it.

So you fucked up.

Your players missed the roll, the clues, failed to connect the dots and ignored the pleas of NPCs for help. They stabbed the prophet in the throat and one of them ate the sandwhich depicting the GodHead, wherein their true destiny was foretold. They also burned the tavern where they were supposed to meet their contact 

And you prepared all of two things during the entire week: Jack and shit. Also, Jack left town with your wife.

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Why Haven't you read this? Part 3-Awesome Stuff you can find for Free!

Chillin’ at the top of the world by dangerousllama

Why Haven’t You Read This? Part 3-Great Stuff you can find for Free!

Continuing my attempts to bring you stuff from the Interwebs for all of you broke, yet needing entertainment bastards out there, Why Haven’t You Read This? goes one step further, moving away from the norm and established to bring you some of the best stuff out there, made by aspiring writers!

In keeping with the original rules set up in part 2, here’s…

Some pretty cool shit by people you haven’t heard of-yet

Because maintaining obscurity and a façade of indifference to recognition is for assholes…

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Why Haven't You Read This? Part 2-Electric Boogaloo

Endless electronic vistas by DarkNeon

Why Haven’t You Read This? Part 2-Electric Boogaloo

It only recently occurred to me that I am broke. Oh sure, I have a day job as a jeweler but most of my income is used to pay my bills, which leaves me little to no income that I can allocate to entertainment, which is why I usually hang out at my friend Jim’s house, where I abuse his hospitality watching movies on his giant-ass TV and gobbling down his wife’s cooking.

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