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| Aerial Fu presented by Knives 135 |
Cutscene Dante Vs Ghost Rider or Ustoppable Badass Vs Demon Biker.
I fucking hate having to do this.
It’s not because I dislike the characters (hell, I loved Devil May Cry 3 and I’ve always had a soft spot since I first read Gath Ennis’ short Ghost Rider Run).
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| You know, the one that was so goddamn kick-ass it made you wanna puke rainbows? |
Instead, it’s because both characters involved in this are the living, breathing, developed personifications of Moore’s Inconstant at work. I went into this thinking it would all be pretty damn straightforward (after all, they’re just two sort of demonic badasses who blow shit up WITH MAGIC AND/OR GUNS) but unfortunately, this is not the case.
But first, a bit of backstory. This is the part I like to call
WHAT THE HELL IS A CUTSCENE DANTE AND WHY CAN’T I DO ANY OF THAT SHIT?
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| Someone, somewhere is fapping to this scene even as you read this line… |
Dante is the quintessential anime badass. He is the product of decade’s worth of over the top action anime tropes, pushed inside a particle accelerator and smashed together at trans-light velocities, then expanded to titanic proportions in order to sate the white man’s need for more over-the-top shit in his video games.
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| For the love of God, we let you ride on the backs of giants, slay gods and do their wives for power-ups; what more could you possibly want? |
Game developers cried and Japan tried to fill our need for extreme crap by releasing weird title after title, by we just wouldn’t have enough. We’d just eat that shit up, absorb its wackiness and go ‘meh’.
But a million video game nerds breathed out a single ‘meh’ at once and were suddenly silenced, the minute Hideki Kamiya slapped his draft for Devil May Cry on the Capcom executive’s desk so hard, the glass on the 50th floor exploded outward and rained on the streets below, injuring dozens.
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| Hideki looked upon the bleeding, confused multitudes and just smiled. |
You see, his goal wasn’t working his way around the tropes (like everyone else was doing) and trying to find ways to revolutionize the genre. No sir: his goal was to make everything as big, as good, as fast, as strong as he could. He would take all the old boring shit we’d grown accustomed to over the years and blow them in our goddamn face.
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| Slowly building his power, until his softcore porn action game about a ridiculously tall woman with guns for shoes would become a reality. |
Thus, Dante was born. Who’s Dante? Dante’s half-demon (yawn), he’s got a sword (snore), a pair of guns (zzzz) and white hair from birth (zzzzzzzzzz). He’s also ripped as fuck, but then again who isn’t these days?
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| Pictured: a group of average Greek guys, just walking down the street, minding their own business. |
He’s boring as fuck and if he never uttered a single word in his entire lifetime, no one would notice. He wouldn’t have anything interesting to say, after all. So what was it that made Dante such a big hit? If he’s shit with the ladies and doesn’t have anything unique going for him, what could possibly have accounted for his ridiculous popularity?
Turns out Dante can’t dance, Dante can’t talk. Only thing ‘bout is him is the way he jumps down a tower, rides down its surface, impales half a dozen demons by flinging his sword and aiming a bullet so that it pushes it at Mach 5 across the heavens, in order to ride them and get swallowed by a flying demon whale, which he bursts out of.
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| He can also briefly turn into a demon, which I guess is kinda cool. |
The only problem with Dante is this: he suffers from a severe case of power inconsistency. You see, mr. Kamiya loves his cutscenes…way too much. And not in a healthy way either. He loves his cutscenes the way Quentin Tarantino loved Samuel L. Jackson
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| Oh don’t you worry Sam, he won’t be getting over you any time soon. |
Or the way the crazy lady across the street loves her collection of dolls she’s always wanted to show you. The one she places somewhere in the living room, overlooking the window so you look at it even if you don’t want to every time you cross the street to and from school and it seems like that little red one (the one she calls Mini Mandy) is always following you with is little eyes, but that’s ridiculous, because Mini Mandy’s got buttons for eyes, but you know it’s leaning over the sill ever so slightly and if you turned and looked right now, you’d see Mini Mandy’s threaded lips part and a little cotton tongue dart out and lick its lips and whisper something, but you’ve never dared, not even once because you know what the words will spell will be, don’t you? Want me to say them? Want me to say the words?
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| Cooommmeee hooommmeee Michael…. |
Well Hideki loves his cutscenes exactly that much. Which is why he fills them with breathtaking visuals and impressive stunts WHICH CANNOT BE IN ANY WAY REPRODUCED IN GAME.
Now, a cynic might say that Mr. Kamiya does this for the sake of hype, putting style over substance. To these people I will say:
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| Would you have it any other way? |
Of course this case of style over substance has split the character Dante in two. On the one hand, there is average, vulnerable Dante (you know, the one with the Health Bar who actually does stuff when you press buttons and takes up most of the game). On the other, there’s Cutscene Dante, the invincible badass whose powers and abilities seem to lack definition.
Now according to my Versus rules, each contestant MUST be at the peak of his capability, which means that Cutscene Dante will be taking this one, instead of that other interactive pussy we’ve had to put up with for 4 games so far.
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| I’m talking to you, you responsive, vulnerable, entertaining bastard. |
Cutscene Dante’s powers are as follows:
· Near Invulnerability: Cutscene Dante is impervious to everything except McGuffins and objects or persons with McGuffin-like properties.
· Combat Agility: I know this sounds like a D&D bonus fighter feat (remind me to tell you how much I fucking hate those one day), but how the hell else can I name his ability to attack 12 times in six seconds with a goddamn broadsword?
· Infinite Revolver Ammo: IDKFA
· Near-Instantaneous regeneration capability: This ceases to apply when McGuffin-like properties are put into effect
· Spontaneous switch to demonic form: Not as impressive, but a definite asset.
With Dante out of the way, let’s move to our next contestant, the Ghost Rider.
WHO OR WHAT THE HELL IS THE GHOST RIDER, ANYWAY?
Ghost Rider is an occult Marvel superhero who has spawned an awesome comic book series and two shitty movies starring and untalented hack.
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| Directed by the first all-chimpanzee staffed movie studio ever. |
Ghost Rider is a demon...or an angel…or the One True Lord of the Pit or a WMD made by Heaven to be used against Hell or something. His origins and exact nature switch from writer to writer, therefore any and all attempts to define his origin are futile, at best.
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| You’re perfectly free to waste your time by trying to make sense out ofthis article here, however. |
His wide selection of powers range from Kinda Interesting to Godlike, with nobody in the Marvel Universe able to agree on whether or not Ghost Rider is the most powerful thing since they tied Cable onto a Universe-Erasing Bomb.
What we know is this: Ghost Rider is Marvel’s Dante. He’s an unstoppable mystic force that tramples the living shit out of everything pitted against him, by virtue of Moore’s inconstant. His powers (the ones he will be using in this fight, that is) are:
- Superhuman Strength: The Ghost Rider possesses superhuman strength sufficient to lift up to 25 tons.
- Superhuman Stamina: The mystical energy that empowers Ghost Rider prevents his muscles from producing fatigue toxins during physical activities, granting him limitless superhuman stamina.
- Superhuman Durability: Much like Dante, the Ghost Rider is vulnerable only to McGuffins and objects or persons with McGuffin-like properties.
- Hellfire Manipulation: Ghost Rider possesses the ability to generate, control, and project mystical fire, or "hellfire" at will. Hellfire is an emphyreal and supernatural flame that burns the soul of a person and can be used to burn their physical body.
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| Mmmm, that’s good bullshit! |
- Mystical Chain Projection: Ghost Rider wields a mystical chain that is capable of growing in length, cutting through almost anything, and transforming into other weapons. He can also spew and project chains from his mouth or chest at will.
- Penance Stare: Ghost Rider possesses the supernatural ability to cause any individual who stares into his eyes to see and feel every single bit of physical or emotional pain they have ever inflicted on anyone in their entire lifetime
These last two powers aren’t as impressive, but they will definitely give Ghost Rider an edge in this battle.
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| Or will they? |
They won’t actually. None of their powers will actually give them an edge in this battle and instead turn this confrontation into a maelstrom of combos, fire and other-seizure inducing shit that will leave you wondering:
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| Thank you, Perturbed Cat. |
You see, unlike in the Superman vs Son Goku argument, here we have two contestans who are equally invulnerable to pretty much the same conditions. They are both impervious to pretty much anything can dish to the other (with the exception of Ghost Rider’s hellfire).
Which means that, for the sake of fairness to the reader, an equally hazardous factor must be presented into this battle from the first round of combat. With that in mind, ladies and gentlemen, I give you:
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| THESPHERE OF ANNIHILATION! |
Unlike its lame D&D counterpart, this sphere serves instead as a means for both combatants to duke it off with a direct danger to their safety. The rules are as follows:
-Gravity in the Sphere of Annihilation is relative: Each branch of the sphere has its own gravity and each of its floors has its own ‘down’ pulling each combatant hovering over it to its surface
-The floor kills you: The center of the Sphere is a portal that leads into the heart of a quasar. A contestant thrown inside will be immediately teleported in the heart of the burning star and incinerated immediately.
-It exists in actual space and is cut off from any mystical means: Therefore, neither of the contestans will have access to all their cool magical shit they might pull out of their ass.
They’re fighting because Dante’s been secretly contracted to kill Ghost Rider and Ghost Rider has been hired to avenge every demon Dante has ever slain.
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| And that’s a shitload of them. |
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| Ding-ding-ding! |
They both start off on the same sphere lane, a few meters apart. Dante starts off the battle by saying something anime cutsie, like let’s say:
“Who the hell do you think I am?”
Ghost Rider says:
“RAAARRRRGH!” and breathes hellfire on him. Dante Jumps out of the way, dodging the attack. He draws his guns and shoots Ghost-Rider mid-summersault. Ghost Rider fucking takes it, because he’s been punched by the Hulk and walked away from it.
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| U mad, bro? |
The demon biker speeds toward his assailant, who pours bullets into his enemy but still hasn’t even gotten a D combo rating. He barely has time to react, as Ghost Rider jumps with his motorcycle and rams Dante, pushing them both into the adjacent Sphere lane.
As the gravity of the surface begins to pull them down, Dante grits his teeth, reaches out and headbutts Ghost Rider, climbing onto his motorcycle, his trenchcoat on fire. Ghost Rider tries to strike him and push him away by animating his chains, but Dante has the advantage of fighting in close range. Without missing a beat, the son of Sparda presses R1 and equips Beowulf.
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| Hear that sizzling sound? That’s the sound of Dante opening a fresh can a’wup-ass |
Dante starts punching and kicking the everliving fuck out of Ghost Rider, who has no choice but to defend himself, even as they plummet upwards to the next surface. The blows dislodge a pair of his teeth, the minute the bike crashes on the surface, skidding and pushing them both to the edge.
The gravity lets go for a second and they tumble upward, into the next surface.
Ghost Rider revs his bike and moves up (the damn thing can move freely in space), trying to get some range so he can use his chains. Dante takes the volley and his chains whip him. He allows one to impale him, so he can keep a hold on his opponent. They get caught in a tug-of war that pulls Ghost Rider away from his bike. Dante presses R1 again, equips his sword and runs Ghost Rider through, as they all tumble up onto the surface in a mess.
Round one goes to Dante.
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| RRRoooaarrggh! |
Dante gets ready to absorb Ghost Rider’s power and maybe get his bitchin’ chain, when Ghost Rider hits him with his Penance Stare. Dante is suddenly flooded with the experience of every awesome 30-hit combo he’s ever pulled off on every demon he’s ever encountered.
Dante starts screaming as he feels as if every bone in his body getting broken and the shit kicked out of him, releasing Ghost Rider. The demon gets up and unleashes hellfire on the demon hunter, burning him up. Dante can’t dodge this shit since he’s in excruciating pain, but that doesn’t mean it can actually hurt him.
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| He’s a good guy, see. |
Ghost Rider runs for his bike and so does Dante. Imagine that, If you will: two men on fire, running for a flaming motorcycle that’s been running circles around a ring set in the middle of space overlooking a portal into a quasar. Imagine Ghost Rider, with Dante’s blade sticking out from his back, his chains picking at Dante (who can’t quite see, being on fire and all).
Ghost Rider and Dante jump in the air, headed for the bike. Dante can’t reach him, so he grabs his blade and tugs it out of Ghost rider’s chest. The demon shrugs, turns the bike a full 360 turn and slaps Dante, pushing him away into the next lane. The Son of Sparda tumbles in free-fall for a while and Ghost Rider follows him, chains whipping at his opponent.
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| Somebody cues a bitchin’ metal cover of Ghost Riders in the Sky’ for noparticular reason. |
Dante gets struck repetedly and they both crash into each other, only this time Ghost Rider is ready. He knows he can’t use his chains’ full length, so he chooses to punch the crap out of Dante, while limiting his mobility by binding him with his chains.
What follows is one of those awesomely choreographed two-guys-one-bike fight scenes you just can’t get enough out of.
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| This, only instead of a bike there’s a flaming motorcycle, the guy on the left’s head is on fire and they’re in space. |
Dante could have gotten the upper hand in this, but Ghost Rider decides to play this for keeps. The demon hunter has gotten the shit kicked out of him before he can understand what’s going on.
Round Two goes to Ghost Rider.
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| Where he can’t see the fan ‘cause of all the shit that’s just hit it. |
Both contestants suddenly find themselves having deviated from their course and plummeting outward, to the burning center of the Sphere of Annihilation. Ghost Rider and Dante know that they have maybe a few seconds before they both fry, therefore they need to speed this shit up and fast.
Dante switches to his demon form and breaks out of his bonds. Using Ghost Rider’s bike as leverage, he jumps out, toward one of the surfaces and lets himself get carried away. Ghost Rider whips out his chain and grabs him by the leg, hindering his escape. Dante fights back but ends up getting pulled close to his opponent.
With the heart of the quasar lingering closer behind them, Dante kicks at Ghost rider’s face and plunges his broadsword into his chest, twisting and letting hellfire pour out, burning him. He shoots at the demon with his guns, pouring lead onto his arms and face, but can’t make the creature let go.
Ghost Rider tugs at his chain and whips Dante around, slamming him onto one of the surfaces. Dante gets the wind knocked out of him and is dragged on the surface. Ghost Rider tries to haul himself to safety, but Dante pulls back. Lacking a surface to push against, Ghost rider finds himself losing the tug of war and is hurled into the teleporter.
Letting go of his motorcycle at the last minute and using the tug to get himself on solid ground at the edges of the gate, Ghost rider watches the vehicle descend into the terrible heat and burn. Having gotten himself some leverage however, he exerts his supernatural strength and tugs Dante down to his level.
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| Invulnerability doesn’t count for shit when you’re dangling over a supermassive black hole furnace. |
Dante has significant strength, but Ghost Rider can bench press 25 tons. He can’t win this. He can push back and try to cut off Ghost Rider’s chains, but that will give his opponent ample time to tug him and toss him in.
Dante falls inside the portal and is swallowed up inside the quasar. Ghost Rider wins the battle through sheer physical strength. Dante had a clear combat advantage, but Ghost Rider won thanks to sheer brawn
Addendum:
Jesus Christ, I need me some Dragonforce right now:
Fun fact: here are top 5 google search terms through which people find my blog:
5-Metabarons
4-Humanoid Zebra Moose
3-Guns with tits on them
2-Nerdy girl with big tits
1-Superman VS Goku
Funny how only two are even remotely relevant.
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