|Clash of the mighty depicted by SkormOfNight|
Donald Duck VS Daffy Duck or Battle of the inked realities.
HOLY SHIT I’M SO FUCKING HYPED RIGHT GODDAMN NOW! EXCUSE WHILE I BLOW STEAM BY SCREAMING IN TONGUES VIA TEXT!
|YES! TITS! |
Okay, I’m done. To be perfectly honest, I needed that. Why? Well mostly because both Donald and Daffy are my absolutely favorite cartoon characters of all time. Since the very first time their impossible exploits caught my eye, I was intoxicated by their presence, their power and their insanity.
In my mind, these two bastards are the rawest, most honest animated motherfuckers on the planet.
|These two whores aren’t even worthy to lick the scum between their toes.|
I’m sure a bunch of you lying bastards are going to claim how Donald and Daffy are actually second stringers, how they’re side characters intended to support the main players (Mickey and Bugs) and that they were never all that influential in shaping their childhood. To these people I have this to say:
Daffy and Donald may have been presented as second stringers but they only did that because they refused to suck the requiste amount of balls required to ascend in the corporate hierarchy of their respective company.
Unlike Mickey, they never agreed to have sex with a ladyboy clone of theirs in exchange for higher ratings.
Unlike Bugs Bunny, they weren’t born with a silver spoon in their mouths since the minute their frames were set into motion, no sir. Cause Donald and Daffy, they’s from the street!
|Unlike this wigger wannabe motherfucker here.|
They started off poor (and In Donald’s case they stayed poor), they fought and clawed thei way and nobody, NOBODY ever gave them any handouts, no sir! To this day, Donald and Daffy have stayed at the top because they never gave those greedy corporate whores an inch and it shows in their work.
So what if those traitors in writing choose to punish Daffy for standing up the board of directors when they decide to set up sweatshops in China?
You may take my face, sir. But you will never take away my freedom!
|That’s it you little shits, you keep on smiling and maybe Unca Walt will let your balls descend sometime in the next decade.|
What I’m saying is this: we all loved Donald and Daffy because they’re much more like human beings than any other character in their respective franchises. Not because of their invulnerability, or their wackiness but because both character have one glaring similarity:
|The entire universe is dead set against them.|
You know those days when you just get your sorry ass out of bed and you realize you’re out of coffee and you need to buy it from that shitty coffee place across the street and on the way there you stub your toe and you realize your new jeans are way too large for you (even though they seemed fine at first, when you tried them on) and they keep slipping down your ass and you meet a nice girl and you can’t come up with anything even remotely intelligent to say and then you go to work and every client and colleague seems to treat you like shit and by afternoon when you’re at home your internet connection is down and you just wanna scream and punch a kitten in the face just to convince yourself that you’ve retroactively picked up enough bad karma to deserve all this?
Well, Daffy and Donald are going through this shit every goddamn day of their entire life. Be it on set, on their way to the restaurant, on their adventures. For them, every day is a shitty one.
Every single day, the fundamental forces of chance and the entire quantum field conspires to make their life harder, but they soldier on and we love them for it. Why?
Because even in Hell, the damned need someone that they can look down upon.
This is primarily the reason why, even though I am absolutely looking forward to this Versus, the idea that a resolution is required breaks my heart. Call me a slut, but I just can’t bring myself to choose between them and that’s that. But for your sick, twisted, needs, dear reader, I will bite my lip and bring about a resolution, based on as an objective a basis as possible.
|Cause Kostas loves ya!|
According to Rule One, both characters must be at the peak of their powers/ performance. This however, cannot apply in this versus, for two reasons:
· Donald Duck’s super-hero persona will serve to hinder him rather than aid him in this battle:
This is Phantom Duck:
|Gliding across the Duckburg skyline like a mallard driven by thoughts of revenge.|
He’s essentially a Batman spin-oof character and his powers are gadget-based. Sounds pretty cool , right? I mean, he’s the goddamn duck-bat, how the hell could this go wrong for him?
Well, by considering that if Donald is Batman, that would make Daffy Duck a Green fucking Lantern, for one.
|And that shit’s cannon. |
The grossly underpowered Donald would be at a disadvantage, which would contradict Rule One. But wait! You’ll ask. Couldn’t you use that elseworlds version of Daffy, where he’s an anthropomorphic superhero duck, like that spin off show?
Which brings me to my next point:
· No, because that show was a pile of horseshit and you know it:
Look at this shit:
Just lean into your monitor and smell the dung.
This was a crappy show that served to promote Looney Tunes as superheroes and gave them shitty powers. It was dumb, unfunny and served no purpose whatsoever. To associate Daffy with this pile of horseshit would be an insult to my (and your) sense of taste.
Oh and did you notice how Bugs and his whore are centerfold? Like those two animated bastards needed any more exposure in the first place.
|Eat shit and die, you insatiable attention whore.|
With that out of the way, let’s list both contestant’s powers:
· Invulnerability: Smash ‘em crush ‘em, blow them to high heaven, you’re just wasting your breath. Both contestants (being cartoon characters) are immune to any and all forms of physical damage and posses exceptional regeneration capabilities.
· Art teleportation: Okay, the name sounds lame but how else can you describe their ability to move through objects of art and interact with music in ways much more meaningful and active than dancing? This isn’t so much a power, more of an ability that will allow for some cool effects in-combat.
See that masterfully executed shit right there? That’s art teleportation in action.
· Irrational accessibility to impossible hardware: Whether it’s acme or Ajax or just about any other impossible company you can think of, both characters can gain instant access to everything listed to its hardware catalogue.
|For the sake of convenience, let’s consider that the equipment that will be used in this battle are provided by LexCorp Industries.|
Why are Donal and Daffy fighting in this? Because they are children of the universe and are aware of our need for perverse amusement. They fight not for themselves, but for us, the audience.
|Sick, sad bastards that we all are.|
So get off your sorry asses, search for Hall of the Mountain King on Youtube, sit back and watch the fireworks!
|Here’s a quick link for all you uncivilized bastards|
Daffy and Donal walk inside a bar. It’s one of those sad watering holes where most cartoon characters go to get wasted when they’re done entertaining the 3-dimensional sickos that made them, to drown their sorrow.
Daffy orders a tequila and Donald intercepts it halfway through its slide toward him. Daffy stares at Donald with eyes just dripping hate, as he gulps down the tequila and orders another one, refusing to even acknowledge Daffy.
Angered, Daffy walks over to him and they stand beak-to beak for long seconds.
|“Is Daffy gonna have to slap a bitch?”|
Donald punches Daffy in the face, making him pirouette three times, before finally crashing into a table. Mumbling something about war, he takes out a huge-ass hammer and smashes Donald across the face, through the wall-to-wall mirror behind the counter and into the alcohol and discarded brass instruments storage.
Daffy pats himself on the back, congratulating himself on a job well done, as the Hall of the Mountain King starts blasting through the speakers and Donald crashes through the wall, ripping another hole into it,
|Crashing into the place like an inked Valkyrie, instruments galloping by his side.|
He tumbles with daffy and they shoot themselves out into the street, punching the eveliving shit out of each other, biting each other’s legs and blackening their eyes. The fight spills out into the street, where they are both run over by a LexCorp truck, filled with fresh weapons intended to be used against Superman.
|I love how even LexCorp’s trucks look so painfully evil.|
Daffy and Donald have been flattened against the windshield. Daffy pulls out his mallet, swings at Donald and misses, smashing the glass and forcing the trucker to jump out, losing control of the vehicle. The truck falls down a cliff and smashes into the rocks, exploding and sending ordnance all over the place.
Donald runs at Daffy, wreathed in flames and smashes him repeatedly in the face, making him stumble and lose concioussness. Donald screams unholy obscenities, then walks away.
Round One goes to Donald Duck.
Time to get Hungarian up in this bitch!
Donald walks away, clothes torn, thinking himself the conquering hero. From the wreckage, a small printed copy of Hieronymus Bosch’s Garden of Earthly delights (that was in the trucker’s wallet) falls in front of Donald’s feet.
|Say what you will about LexCorp, they have very high educational standards for their truck drivers.|
Behind him, Daffy rises and picks a weapon at random. It’s a LexCorp patented Brane Atomizer.
|LexCorp patent pending.|
He points it at Donald and pulls the trigger. He misses and the ray zips past Donald’s head and strikes the Garden of Earthly Delights, causing a fold in the current universal membrane, sucking them both inside the art. Donald and Daffy soon find themselves sliding down universes and land in the left-most part of the painting, along with the LexCorp ordnance.
They both land inside the lake and Daffy punches Donald in the face, who chokes Daffy as they both drag themselves out of the lake. Blindly searching for a weapon, Daffy finds a IrritatoTron 6000
|One shot from this baby and you’ll have that song you hate stuck in your head for days on end.|
Donald tries to close his ears, but he can’t stop hearing Justin Bieber singing about his baby, looping forever in his head. Completely losing his shit, Donald runs through the painting, causing a fuss in Heaven, tossing tables and upsetting the blessed, right before slamming into hell.
The damned pour inside the green pastures and Daffy follows his opponent into Hell. He’s loaded up with a shitload of guns and he tries to pick one, when Daffy slams into him with the force of a thousand Acme trucks speeding through Nevada, tossing them in the air.
Without missing a beat, the damned arm themselves with the impossible weapons and rise up against their masters.
Tumbling down through the piece, Donald and Daffy descend through art. They upset the Last Supper, punch Mona Lisa in the face by accident, disrupt the Opening of the Fifth Seal
“Don’t look at their dongs, don’t look at their dongs, don’t look at their dongs.” Donald Duck.
Before dropping down the Heavens on Van Gogh’s starry Night. Daffy Manages to grab onto one of the clouds, as Donald falls in the middle of the city. Daffy tries to hold on to his weapons, but it appears that Donald has the upper hand right now.
|This, with a mad duck hanging in the middle of the sky and another inside a crater, armed to the teeth with guns.|
Donald is of course a shit shot, which is why he goes for the Erasinator, LexCorp’s bulk disintegration rifle. He shoots at Daffy, forcing him to let go and drop to the ground, striking Donald on his way down and disarming him. Then Daffy reaches out and shoots at the ground with a missile launcher, cracking the ground underneath and making Donald fall into the Art below.
Round two goes to Daffy Duck.
Daffy looks down, thinking himself the conquering hero, as Donald jumps from the edge of the chasm and grabs him by the neck, quacking: “I’m taking you with me!”
Falling through Art, Daffy grabs an umbrella from a Sunday Afternoon
|Leaving the lady on the far-right side feeling a bit perplexed|
And tries to slow down his fall. Donald punches him and they both tumble out from art into an abandoned animation studio. Fighting in the 3-d world, they tear down a wall and a can of paint thinner falls on the ground, spraying their feathers and melting them.
You see, if there’s anything I learned from watching Who framed Roger Rabbit
|Besides that Doc Brown is a scary motherfucker, thatis.|
Is that cartoons are vulnerable only to paint thinner. Daffy and Donald both realize that and immediately go for the cans. Daffy grabs a drawing board and smashes it across Donald’s skull, who rushes Daffy, thinking he can reach the can if he can first beat Daffy a little bit more.
Daffy takes each punch, spits blood at Donald and says: “That all you got, you goddamn pussy?”
|Because let’s face it: Daffy isn’t exactly a stranger to excruciating pain.|
Donald lets it rip and Daffy uses the advantage to hit him with the can. Donald reels and Daffy pours the paint thinner over him and into his beak, making him melt down to ink and a puddle of colors that sill kick and scream for a while, before melting and seeping through the boards.
Daffy looks at the mess and weeps. He could have very easily lost this fight, if he hadn’t taken advantage of Donald’s short temper.
This battle broke my goddamn heart, mostly because I had to sit down and actually consider how such a battle might have been resolved. It also meant typing the death of either of the contestants, which I both love dearly but I promised myself I’d always get a resolution, no matter the butthurt.
So rest in peace, sweet prince. And may flights of transgendered versions of yourself sing you to your much-deserved rest.
|That’ll do, duck. That’ll do.|
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