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So yeah, this is the creepiest thing I’ve seen all week…
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Movies From the Multiverse-Captain Planet
I used to be in love with the
idea of gritty remakes of good, old-fashioned kid’s shows. I used to laugh at
the murderous little shock skits of Robot Chicken, where the Hanna Barbera
characters would turn into serial killers and I died laughing when I saw the
Batman-gets-his-spine-broken gag on the DC comics special.
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| It very nearly ruined Dark Kinght Returns for me, to be honest. Couldn’t stop singing the jig whenever Bane did something badass. |
But I got pretty sick of it, really fast, mostly
because Hollywood has become drunk off its pornography of pessimism, counting
on shock value and nostalgia to produce dark, grimy movies with no
entertainment value beyond the first screening. However, as this trend does not
show any real signs of waning, I have chosen to place my two cents on the
Internet, in the vain hope that maybe I can make abuse a franchise that has so
far eluded any attempts to remake it, mostly due to its overwhelming
cheesiness.
With that in mind, I give you:
The Shapescapes Captain Planet Grim
and Gritty Remake:
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Cue over-produced chorus remake of the Captain planet theme song
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The most important part concerning this movie and its
promotion is that there will be no obvious,
over-the-top promotion, of the kind most blockbuster movies get these days.
While there will be a number of posters and other trailers for TV and theaters,
most will not be any longer than teaser-length and no details will be revealed
about its title or its plot.
The movie will be advertised and promoted as a
disaster-movie ARG (Alternate Reality Game), with posters in bus-stops showing
Gaia, the Spirit of the Earth se against a black background, laying down
exhausted and dying, with only a ray of light illuminating her. Alternatively,
other posters will show Captain planet’s silhouette and his insignia in the
standard black-and-silver color scheme according to protocol, with his features
obscured in the same manner.
The captions will have to read something cryptic: in
the case of Gaia, something in the lines of SHE HAS GROWN TIRED OF WAITING and
in the case of Captain Planet, NO MORE GAMES.
The ads and trailers will be presented as
honest-to-God news announcements of natural disasters occurring across the
globe in remote industrial settlements, always showing thirty seconds of
footage of a hurricane or a tsunami as it moves in to destroy the area, with a
tiny humanoid figure shown hovering above it or before it, oblivious to its
effects. The viewers will be given glimpses of the creature as it walks through
a raging forest fire, unaffected by the hellish heat.
The idea is that this will allow for the audience to
gain an interest in the movie, without it turning into a joke by virtue of its
content (I mean, would you go and watch a movie that you know is a Captain
Planet remake?)
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| Hell, I wouldn't watch it and I'm writing about it! |
In many ways, this movie will have to be pitched as a
superhero movie, giving people the impression that the studio is trying to
peddle a new icon. It might (if the campaign is pulled off with any success)
even give the impression that it is in fact, not another remake that counts on 80’s nostalgia. To further cement
that, the name of Captain Planet will never be referenced in the movie and the
title will appear in the end credits sequence.
With all this in mind, let’s move on to how the movie
will deal with the show’s characters and their role in it:
Gaia:
Gaia in this movie is no longer the eternally patient
shepherd, counting on five teenagers to raise ecological awareness. Instead,
she is a sickly god who has grown tired of mankind’s proliferation and the
disaster they cause to the environment. Poisoned steadily since the advent of
the industrial revolution and almost bled dry, this Gaia is intending to take drastic
measures in dealing with the pestilence of humanity.
In this version, she is more like the Titans from God
of War: an ancient intelligence that serves as the story’s narrator and the one
who lets Captain Planet loose to destroy mankind.
Captain
Planet:
Reincarnated by the will and whim of Gaia, this
Captain planet isn’t the punning, smiling, mulleted lump of cheese that we knew
from the cartoon: instead, he appears as an unstoppable force of natural
destruction. Impervious to almost anything humanity can throw at him (shy of an
atom bomb, but of course we’ll get to that) and able to manipulate the elements
to achieve devastation on an unimaginable scale, Captain Planet is the movie’s
main villain.
It is important to note that, in this version, Captain
Planet will not speak. He will simply appear as this intimidating, invulnerable
son of a bitch who will tear shit up and leave when thwarted, only to return
again.
Kwami:
Once the leader of the Planeteers, Kwami gave up on
his position as he grew older and his attentions turned from the needs of the
environment, to the needs of the people: using his ring of Earth Power, Kwami
has become a sort of occult vigilante, operating in Sudan (specifically
Darfur), where he fights against slavers and local warlords.
Kwami is the knight in sour armor of the resurrected
Planeteers: jaded by the horrors that humanity inflicts on itself, he is going
to be the ruthless leader that will require someone to hold him back, as the
final confrontation approaches.
Wheeler:
This new version of Wheeler is a younger child, who
has stolen then Ring of Fire Power from the original, older Planeteer. After
discovering its powers by accident, the kid holds onto it but is later
overwhelmed by the responsibility that comes with carrying it, when the true
crisis begins. After the Original Wheeler dies in the tidal wave that drowns
New York, the boy is forced to join the Planeteers and save the day.
This Wheeler is the snarky little kid who’s caught way
over his head, forced to grow from a petty thief into a hero in no time flat
and will be the counter-balance to Ma-Ti.
Linka:
Of the original Planeteers, only Linka and Ma-Ti
remain optimistic and active, adhering to their old roles. While Ma-Ti becomes
the new team leader, Linka becomes his second-in-command, aiding him in his
attempt to stop poachers and loggers from destroying the Amazon rainforest and
acting as his muscle in his attempts in negotiation.
This version of Linka is essentially an Amazon:
capable, strong and equipped with the ring of Wind Power, she will spearhead
the attack on Captain planet and will be Kwami’s opposite in his cynical approaches
to the problem.
Gi:
Gi is an eco-terrorist, having left the Planeteers and
scoffing at the rest of them for their lack of devotion to the cause. Using her
ring of Water Power, Gi has been sabotaging factories, illegal fishing outfits
and has amassed a considerable bounty on her head.
Gi originally sees Captain planet’s return and the
destruction he wreaks as a much-necessary intervention, but soon become
horrified to the death-toll that follows in his wake. She will be the weak link
of the team, in the first part of this confrontation.
Ma-Ti:
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| It’s a shame how you can’t find anything even remotely cool about him on the Interwebs… |
This version of Ma-Ti is the leader of the Planeteers,
plain and simple: having remained true to his original goals with Linka, Ma-Ti
has discovered that his ring of Heart Power enables him to not only control the
emotions of animals, but also gives of human
beings, along with some small psychic ability. Using this advantage as a
negotiator to achieve peaceful resolutions, he still counts on Linka to work as
his muscle in their treks across the Amazon.
Ma-Ti is the first to realize Captain Planet’s true
intent will be the one who will help the Planeteers face their greatest foe yet
in combat.
The Plot:
As I mentioned before, this is a sort of superhero
movie, mixed with heavy elements of disaster. After Captain Planet destroys New
Delhi with a super-storm, the United Nations verify his presence in the middle
of the disaster and are thwarted in their attempts to evacuate the survivors. Proving
impervious to attack, Captain Planet destroys the armed forces mobilized
against him and cuts a swathe of destruction across Asia.
When the news reach Ma-Ti and Linka (who find
themselves forced to dispatch a group of poachers, with Ma0-Ti implanting
mortal fear in the heart of their leader for the rest of his life), they decide
to gather the rest of the old team to stop the Captain from causing further
devastation.
They meet Kwami in Sudan, fighting to stop a forest
fire and save him from an assassination attempt from a group of slavers, who decide
to use the opportunity to their advantage. Kwami is originally doubting that
Captain planet is behind this destruction, but after they see him spreading the
fire across the coast of Africa and failing to stop him, he decides otherwise.
Gi joins them on their way, looking for them and
trying to convince them to join the Captain’s cause in this destruction.
Meeting in New York, the team looks for Wheeler, who’s lost the ring and look
for his replacement. Following a trail of fire left behind by the boy (who has
lost control of it in no time flat), they confront and subdue him. It’s as the
old Wheeler is getting ready to don it that Captain Planet reaches New York
and creates a Mega-Tsunami, that
annihilates Manhattan and drowns New York city. The Planeteers, forced to work
with the new Wheeler, try and fail to stop the mute juggernaut that has become
the Captain. Reaching into his mind, Ma-Ti tries to contact Gaia and realizes
her true, god-like wrath. Unable to withstand it, he falls back and the Planeteers
are forced to fall back.
As Gaia realizes that she is confronted with her own
past champions, she intensifies her campaign of destruction: swarms of insects
cover the land, super-storms rage across the world, waves of vegetation and
plagues of vermin choke the cities. The UN launches a nuclear attack on Captain
Planet as he is flying over the Gobi Desert, weakening him considerably, but
failing to destroy him. It’s during this interim of disaster, with the
Planeteers realizing the destructive potential of nature, that the great
character changes begin to occur: Kwami becomes the champion he has secretly
always wanted to be and Gi, sickened by the loss of life, focuses on helping
the new Wheeler master his powers.
Captain Planet is halfway through destroying Beijiing,
when the Planeteers summon him and attack him in force, subduing him and
finally destroying the snarling thing that he has become. Gaia rages and
thrashes, causing the tectonic plates to shiver, sending spider-wed cracks
across the surface of the world. Ma-Ti leads the Planeteers into her mind, where
they lobotomize her, ceasing her wrath. The spirit of the Earth stands silent
in the end, leaving mankind to pick up the pieces.
The rings of Elemental Power become useless, as Gaia
is finally silenced. No speech about the evils of pollution or mankind’s abuses
is made. The Planeteers only look to one another and at the dead Captain and
make their way across the ruined landscape.
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| And for the first time in a long time, the Earth is silent. |
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