Human Slaves of an Insect Nation, Part 10-Games I won’t get to run
Everybody
gets a crazy idea stuck in their heads sometimes. Isaac Newton was absolutely
convinced that a mysterious gas/element that burns everything but exists only
for microseconds at a time existed, even as he kept the theory of gravity in
the backburner. A dude called Kevin Eastman and his BFF, Peter Laird, thought
it would be fun to make a story about teenage turtles with ninja skills and
Renaissance painter names.
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| Some Japanese dude thought to himself: Imma make me a game that’s kinda about abortion, but it’s mostly intended as sociopolitical commentary! For kids! |
Of course,
unlike those people, my own crazy
ideas will never produce anything (with the exception of a few bitchin’
tabletop campaigns, that is). But still, it does a man good to dream and vent
to the internet from time to time…
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| I mean what else is there to stop a dude from going on a rampage? |
With that
in mind, here’s the…
SHAPESCAPES LIST OF GAMES I WILL
NEVER GET TO RUN (and why they are unworkable)
For a Fistful of Credits-Stormtroopers on the
lam
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The premise: Following the events of Return of the Jedi,
the Empire is collapsing and the Stormtrooper Army is disbanded, according to
High Chancellor Leia Organa’s decree (sole heir to the Lord of the Armies,
Darth Vader).
The players
take on the roles of jobless Stromtroopers, who have somehow missed out on all
of the important events of the first trilogy. Jobless and with a skillset no
longer suited for the shifting social and political Galactic scene, they are
forced to perform odd jobs for a number of employers, just to survive.
The Plot: After causing a bit of a diplomatic
episode and finding themselves caught in a bundle of trouble, the Stormtroopers
are contacted by a man calling himself Eddar Rem, who offers them substantial
amounts of money for a number of operations and odd jobs that border on black
ops.
During the
campaign, it is later revealed that Eddar Rem is one of Emperor Palpatine’s six
clones (a failsafe setup in the unlikely event of his death, to keep the Empire
from collapsing). Eddar is, however, not interested in playing along in this
dog-and-pony power show. If anything, Eddar Rem is a Sith paintjob of Professor
Farnsworth,
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Good news,
everyone! I close my eyes and I see worlds burning, set alight by the fire of
their own ignited stars!
|
Madder than
a hatter and with a portion of the Empire’s original resources at his disposal,
Eddar Rem plans to complete Palpatine’s most nefarious plan yet: a
planet-smashing superweapon, powered almost exclusively by tapping into the
Force, capable of FTL travel!
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Codenamed Warworld George.
|
The players
soon find themselves responsible with bringing about the beginning of another
trans-galactic conflict, caught between a secret war between the Emperor’s
clones and hunted by the new-found Republic!
How will
they shape the history of the Star Wars Universe? What will become of Eddar
Rem? Will they finally find a steady job that doesn’t entail all this
history-altering bullshit? And where the hell are Luke Skywalker and the Jedi
in all this?
Why this would not work: Well, for
starters, I could not find a group that would want to play this kind of game.
Science Fiction campaign crowds are hard enough to find as it is, but Star Wars
rpg players in a strictly non-Jedi game? In Greece? Forget about it, man!
The other huge problem is that I am not familiar
with Star Wars canon, beyond the original trilogy (no, that other one did not
happen). As a result, I would have to fill in the setting blanks myself, either
through painstaking world-building, or by winging it as I went along, which
would create a wildly inconsistent set-up that would fall apart when examined too
closely.
And lastly?
This campaign is way too specific and limiting. Sure, it’s supposed to be a
comedy and the characters will get to go across the Galaxy in quest for jobs,
but how long would this joke hold up? Two sessions? Three, tops? This idea
needs a hell of a lot of retooling and repurposing, but first, it needs the
proper gaming group.
And by that
I don’t mean Star Wars nerds. They usually try to beat me up when I explain the
goddamn premise over drinks.
Sigil’s Finest- Cops in Dungeons and Dragons
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|
The
Premise: Sigil is the city at the very heart of the Multiverse. It is the City of
Doors, the waystation through which every intelligent (or in some cases,
borderline intelligent) being in the cosmos crosses at one point in its life
cycle or another.
It is a hive of activity and the multiversal center of commerce. It is
also sorely lacking in any form of organized government, with the exception
of the local rulers and, of course, its mistress, the Lady of Pain.
But even she, in her awesome power, appears to be unable (or unwilling)
to maintain order. And all this crime and anarchy isn’t exactly ideal for
business now, is it?
The players have either chosen or drafted into the Sigil police force.
They have been trained, armed and prepared to deal with illegal activities
and to quell civil unrest where it may be found. To right wrongs, or simply
look the other way where the situation demands, as they delve deeper into the
heart of the city and learn more about the inner workings of their factions.
Featuring such distinguished criminal organizations as the Slaad Mafia
|
The
Tanar’ri Bottle Street gangs
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“How you expect to run with the wolves come night, when you spend all day sporting wit' the puppies?” |
And, of
course, the Baatezu Sextates
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| “A fiend gotta have a code” |
The Plot: There isn’t a plot, not really. The players
(police officers) deal with cases, crack down on druggies, fight off monsters
and keep the peace, sandbox style.
Why this wouldn’t work: Well, because I suck at sandboxing.
And because players have a very hard time grasping the idea of playing cops.
Most people like to play games to act out power fantasies, not to establish
order. Sure, they might have some fun making enemies and righting wrongs, but
they would have a VERY hard time coming to terms with the idea that they play
as officers of the law.
Mostly
because it reminds them of the real world, I suppose. And in a bad way.
Masquerade: The musical!-A Naked Gun approach
to Vampire: the Maquerade
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| Jazz Hands! Chaaaa! |
The Premise: I fucking hate vampires. I consider
them glorified leeches and I find the stupid popular Vampire the Masquerade rpg
to have an idiotic premise aimed solely toward getting dudes laid with goth
chicks, while at the same time maintaining the myth that mankind would allow
such a thing like vampires to exist in the entirety of its history.
Vampire the
Masquerade maintains the myth that a vampire elite is pulling the strings of a
world conspiracy (tinfoil hats, anyone?) and that the players are members of
factions whose sole purpose is to maintain secrecy, while waging shadowy wars
against each other. There’s also a bunch of horseshit about there being ancient
vampires predating the Deluge (called the Antediluvians) who are essentially
undead Super Saiyans and the entire game plays out like a grim and gritty
version of goddamn Pokemon, except you drink blood because edgy.
So
Masquerade is, essentially, a parodic take on all this: the Masquerade is
presented as a barely workable organization, ran by senile and half-mad
bastards who won’t give up their reins on power. The world (armed with the
internet and its surveillance culture) begins to close in on the vampire
conspiracy and the players have to maintain a semblance of a social life while
keeping up with their dog-eat-dog social vampire surroundings.
The Plot: The players begin as a bunch of initiates who
find themselves trapped in the archaic, unworkable mess that is the Masquerade,
tasked with eliminating evidence from fringe journalists that could put Vampire
society on the map.
While all
this is going on, an Antediluvian vampire rises from his eons-long slumber, his
perceptions of the world severely out of date and himself exceedingly senile.
The players, finding themselves in his presence upon his awakening, are tasked
with escorting the venerable (and powerful) ancient and teaching him about the
21st century via hands-on approach.
Why It wouldn’t work: Because I hate vampires as an idea
too goddamn much and I’d probably destroy the entire setting three gaming
sessions in. Then again, maybe the players would get bored of the senile
ancient that talks like Grampa from the Simpsons and ditch him in an old folks’
home or something.
Also, hate campaigns aren't exactly great ideas either. They might get off half a dozen jokes, but they aren't exactly entertainment material. Nobody comes to your games to see you masturbate in fury, after all.
Also, hate campaigns aren't exactly great ideas either. They might get off half a dozen jokes, but they aren't exactly entertainment material. Nobody comes to your games to see you masturbate in fury, after all.
Go! Unlikely Hero Sentai!-Misfits: the RPG
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| “Look honey! Monkey-men! Say hi to the monkey-men, guys!” |
The Premise: Accused of a number of felonies, a group of
teenage aliens are tasked with community service as protectors of a backwater
planet at the ass-end of the Galaxy (namely, Earth). The world is apparently a
hotbed of alien activity and the Pan-Galactic government, caving in under
pressure by a number of Non-Governmental Organizations requesting aid for
Underdeveloped Planets, decides to send the delinquents to save it.
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| Featuring Nog’Gorloch as their probation worker. |
The Plot: Forced to disguise themselves as teenaged natives
to Earth, the juvenile delinquent aliens are robbed of their Hive-Net
connections and high-tech gadgets, while desperately trying to get chummy with
a bunch of backwards apes.
During
their adventures, they come to terms with their roles as protectors of this
world and their awesome responsibility, as they slowly unravel a far deeper,
more sinister conspiracy that implicates even the current Galactic President
himself!
Why It wouldn’t work: This would need a very specific
group of players, who would be able to play out the part of juvenile
delinquents and unlikely heroes, but would also love to pilot giant robots
(striking ridiculous poses at irregular intervals considered a plus). It's a game that requires the players to find their own reasons for fighting the good fight
In short,
this is a very character-specific type of campaign that asks way too much of the players than it should. This is supposed to be something to help you pass the time, not a character study.
Streets
of Carthagen-Scarface with superpowers.
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| This is our city now, Sentinel. Your kind is no longer welcome here. |
The Premise: Following a super-storm, the
fictional city of Carthagen is nearly destroyed and pretty much cut off from
outside help, a veritable no-man’s land, ripe for the taking. After the world’s
foremost supervillains escape the San Quentin Penitentiary under the guidance
of a mysterious figure known only as The Face, they move in to the abandoned
city and turn it into their very own protectorate.
With no one
to stand in their way but the city’s few and helpless superheroes, they set the
foundations for their criminal empire. A world of violence, crime and barbarism
if born from the rubble and rebuilt in their image.
The Plot: The players take on the role of
relatively unknown supervillains, stuck in the lowest rungs of their criminal
society, looking for a chance at fame, power and fortune in Carthagen. Their
goal is to rise to power, to grow their own little criminal empire, while
facing off against the city’s heroes and the greater villains, who want them
destroyed.
On their
way, they ally themselves with Vladimir Tsukanov, the last surviving head of the
non-powered criminal families. It’s up to them to either dethrone the powers
that be or to save Carthagen.
Why this wouldn’t work: Like Sentai, Streets of Carthagen is
heavily player-based. It relies on the fact that it’s a sandbox game that will
be driven by the group, rather than by the Storyteller. The original idea was
that I would let them loose to either kill or be killed, but any attempts at
this pretty much flopped in the span of a single session.
Besides
that, Streets of Carthagen is very loosely defined, plot-wise. The players will
be the ones that drive it and will have to get themselves in their own little
spots of trouble or overcome their problems, with me as the arbiter. In short,
not the kind of game I am used to running.
Need to
work on that, stat.
Defenders of the Jade Throne-Wuxia Conspiracies
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| Jade, steel and wire-fu. |
The Premise: In the land of Chrysanthemums, the Jade Emperor
reigns supreme from his place upon the Golden throne. His personal elite guards,
the White-Jade Dragons, are tasked with keeping the peace in matters pertaining
to royalty or the sacred Bureaucracy. Each masters of one of the Elemental
Martial Arts Styles, the White-Jade Dragons are considered the infallible and
unbeatable hand of the law.
But when
the White-Jade Dragons are assassinated by a group of masked martial artists,
their students are tasked with finding their killers and enacting revenge!
The Plot: Defenders of the Jade Throne is
essentially a murder mystery with government conspiracy thrown in. The players,
each a student of the White-Jade dragons is a master of one of the lesser
elemental styles. The campaign is based on the premise of the players both
trying to crack the mystery, as well as in pulling off impossible stunts.
Of course,
as it is par for the course, the conspiracy behind the murder of their masters
runs far deeper than they originally thought. As the players seek to unravel
the mystery and avenge their fallen teachers, the Jade Emperor finds himself
threatened by a far more sinister plot! Will the players save the land of
Crhysanthemums and put an end to the coming conflict before it’s too late?
Why this wouldn’t work: Besides the fact that I am not
exactly comfortable with these kinds of campaigns (not that I couldn’t make it
work), the idea behind running this is based on the fact that I am going to be
using the extensive Martial Arts system of Exalted.
Now, for
those of you not in the know, Exalted has pretty much the best, most
comprehensive and awesomely presented Martial Arts style system in any rpg.
Ever.
The rest of
the system however sucks balls, as it is a convoluted mess that drags the game
down with it. My hopes rest with its 3rd edition and the hope that
they don’t fuck it up this time.
Forever Winter-Ice Age Dungeons and Dragons
The Premise: Once upon a time, there were great cities,
sprawling metropolises of glass and stone that stretched up to high heaven,
power by the fire in the world’s core. Once, mighty wizards bound sky-spirits
and made great metal birds fly across the heavens.
Once, the
world was warm and winter was but a scary story to frighten unruly children.
It had been
the time of the Ethergaunt, the time when man was little more than cattle.
The Plot: Forever Winter is a story dealing with
mankind’s attempt to build itself a civilization out of the ruins of the
previous masters of the Earth, the ingenious and now extinct Ethergaunts. After
shaping the world according to their whim for uncountable millennia, mankind
finally revolted against its masters and destroyed them, leaving the killing
frost to cake their cities and erase them from history.
The players
are part of a party of adventurers that are chosen for their prowess to delve
into the wastes of the Ethergaunt cities and bring back with them the powerful
artifacts of their one-masters, to aid mankind in its constant struggle for
survival.
Forever
winter is a low to no-magic campaign that leans heavily on survival of both the
players and the tribe itself. It might also fit the post-apocalyptic niche, but
only barely.
Why This Wouldn’t Work: It’s a game about a grim and dark
world that kills you with snow, where you need to scavenge to survive for the
good of the tribe rather than personal glory. If you haven’t caught on yet,
it’s not what most players are going for.
Plus, this
thing is brutal and grim in every way that isn’t fun. If this is going to
become something playable, it needs much more content that’s more…engaging to
make it worth considering.
The Ark of Wonders-An Arabian nights themed fantasy campaign
The Ark of Wonders-An Arabian nights themed fantasy campaign
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| And all around them there was fire and billowing smoke spilling out from the gaping maw of the earth… |
The Premise: In a world built by the djinn, the most valued
resource is the soma, a material shaped by thought. The djinn, lords of the
elements, immortal and impossibly bored, trade this fine material in exchange
for tales to excite and titillate their senses.
A mortal
man may choose to attain the vaunted title of Storyteller, to gain fame and
fortune unequaled, to dwell among the djinn as an equal. That is, until he
bores his masters with trite.
Provided he
can escape the caste system and the very cities that he was born in, to reach
the vaunted City of Brass, where the gods dwell at the center of the world…
The Plot: The players are mere mortals who choose to
adventure for the sake of one of the world’s
most renowned Storytellers, to
gather experiences for him to weave tales for his masters’ enjoyment. On their
travels, they will see the Shifting City and travel across the Powdered Glass
desert to the long-lost city of Leng. They will fight the rakhasa, the lesser
demons of the world and meet forgotten gods. They will be crowned saviors (or
damned as destroyers) of distant empires.
And if they
play their cards right, they might just make their way to the City Of Brass, to
the citadel of the gods themselves.
Why This Wouldn’t Work: There’s no reason for it not to,
come to think of it. Need to sit my ass down and start working on it, is all!
The Wastelands Within-A Promethean: The Created
Campaign
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Warning: Contents may be worse off than advertised. |
The Premise: The Created are creatures born from dead men
and women, reanimated either by unspeakable science or black magic. Considered
anathema among the mortals and to the Earth itself, they look for refuge and
the means to become, once again, truly human.
This is the
kind of game that sounds great on paper, but faces serious problems in
execution. It presents itself as a personal post-apocalyptic setting, when it
in fact isn’t: this is the perfect game for a post-apocalypse.
The Created
players start off virginal and without any knowledge of the world around them
and its history, piecing together the story of the disaster from the survivors,
while looking for a way to become accepted and to belong.
The Plot: Ever seen Blade Runner? No? Read the book? The
Earth is a desolated, blasted landscape, populated by a fraction of mankind’s
pre-war population. The people are wary, frightened and clustered around what
little population centers of food and technology remain.
The Created
need to prove themselves as both survivors and champions to the terrified,
distrusting mankind. They will discover ruins of cities, venture across
irradiated wastelands and fight the Cancer Cowboys, Created powered by nuclear
energy. They will meet creatures that have risen from below the ground and
choose to either subjugate mankind or to join its ranks.
Why This Wouldn’t Work: The premise is bleak as fuck and
grim to boot. Maybe if I sold the game to the players as a weird, grim version
of our world it would fool them, but not for long. Promethean is way too dark
and before I can get to do things, I need to tone down the existential horror
considerably.
Once again,
this is a player-centric game, which also requires the proper group to run it.
Addendum:
Holy shit, I
got a ton of these, now that I’m going through my old notes. Maybe I need to
write them down. Maybe something can come out of them after all.
Those that
aren’t nonsensical and shit, that is. And there’s a lot of those.
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