Cthulhu's Rant

Cthulhu Ranting by Maria Kolaki

I don’t know how to start off with this, so I’m gonna get straight to the point:

Hi, I’m Cthulhu, the Great Old One, the Terror from the Deep, etc. etc. Most of you will consider this a prank, since the REAL Cthulu would probably project this through your brains on a global scale, in a language that would drive your poor 3D brain nuts and have your memories boil behind your eyes. But instead, I address you in English.

On the fucking internet.

Now, most of you out there will wonder why I resolve to such mundane measures. The reason is that I know that if HAD chosen to fry your brains, some surviving asshole out there would probably print the message on parchment paper and sell it on e-bay. That is why I chose to keep my dignity intact.
Well, what’s left of it, anyway.

You see, I hate you people. And believe me, you’re the first species to read that from me. I mean, you gotta be like…what? The billionth intelligent race that has shared this planet and will in time be trampled beneath my feet, blah-blah-blah…?

But you know what? No. I won’t do that for you fuckers. And do you wanna know WHY?
Cause I fucking hate you. No, I really mean it. This isn’t some Jehovah syndrome or some other apocalyptic prophecy. I just wanted to tell you how I feel. And after about a million years of evolution on your behalf, you have made me sick.

I mean, once upon a time I was TERRIBLE. And I don’t mean horror movie crap terrible. I mean I was the UNKNOWN, the horror, the God of the Bottomless depths, who would lie forever there, never truly dead until strange eons came to pass. People would see the outline of my ass in their dreams and claw their brains out, women would miscarry. I had cults of degenerates at my command and a few miles' worth of ancient parchment of forbidden lore.

Oh and did I mention R’Lye, my extradimensional fortress in the deep? You know how many races used to go insane at the thought of it rising from the depths? But no, not you. You didn’t fear me, you didn’t tremble. Not even that sissy, Howard did when I popped up in his head and said “Boo”. That thing was enough to fry a man’s brains and render him unable to form another coherent thought in his brain. You know what he did instead?

He wrote a bunch of books.

BOOKS! The son of a bitch never bothered to ask me if I wanted people to know about me. But he made sure everyone knew. So, he gets away with a death and an “I am Providence” sign and I end up with a world that KNOWS what I am.

Narutally, people were no longer afraid of me. Well, actually they were, but mot as much. I mean, I popped out once out of R’Lye to take a peek and some fucking sailor drove a boat engine through my skull! He was scared shitless, but he did it anyway.

And that was when I had my first real let-down. Now because he dissected my face, I am so beyond that, I mean, Space and Time are stuff that happens to other people. But he HURT me. First time since the beginning of Time and someone actually hurt me.

So I decide to let it go, have a good decade’s sleep and take it like a man. So I wake up and you know what I see?

PLUSHIES! GODDAMN PLUSHIES ON E-BAY!

Am I a fucking TOY now? Something for school girls to play HOUSE with? And there’s keychains and mugs! I’m a fucking attraction! I, who was the annihilator of continua, am nothing more than fucking merchandise?

And just when I began to think that you’d stop shoving my face in the dung, I saw the NERDS. Fucking nerds! Kids that make websites worshipping me! 1,000,000 matches in Google for fuck’s sake, made by a bunch of stupid kids that remix my ancient chants into carols or use them for choruses in their songs! They’re making FUN of me! They MOCK me!

In conclusion, I’d like to say that I fucking hate you all.

No, I really, fucking do. You degraded me, made me a toy, a freak show for your civilization, instead of respecting me for what I am. You ruined my pride and now you won’t leave me alone.
So FUCK YOU, mankind. I’m going to bed now.

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