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| The film that no one will get right, but everyone would love to see by ash-elquilin |
Planetary Or Oh, to Walk through pop culture’s
silent pandemonium…
DISCLAIMER:
The following
article contains a lot of references to comic book history and nerd stuff that
aren’t adequately explained. If you’re having trouble following, it’s because
the nature of the reviewed material was intended for that exact purpose.
It is said
that the very nature of success is enough to corrupt a man. It’s not unusual
for people with too much money on their hands to spend huge sums on
ridiculously overpriced luxuries
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| Like, say, ornate hand-carved and heavily engraved butt-plugs. |
Or go the
other way and invest a fortune into building monuments to themselves and their
greatness, in an attempt to grasp at immortality
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Like by building ludicrous
artificial islands with an average living cost of 2,000 bucks a day.
|
It’s no
different for highly successful writers and artists. Oh sure, they might not
attempt to build edifices in their likeness (after all, what is to an edifice,
but the material representation of one’s mark upon the world?) but they will
make constant attempts to infuse themselves in their work, transfusing
themselves as characters in their narratives, with varying
degrees of success.
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| Why hello there, Mrs Meyer; didn’t see you come in. |
Others will
go the other way and attempt to infuse themselves into their work through
subtler means. By, say, slowly but surely turning their work toward a much more
artsy and convoluted direction their before, infusing it with trivia, narrative
details and references to inside jokes that only the writer and a select few
might even pick up, never mind chuckle at.
Every
successful writer has done this, at least once in his life.
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Except for Alan Moore, who has kept at it for the past decade.
|
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| Or produces a narrative that makes no goddamn sense yet no-one dares point it out, for fear of being called ‘simple-minded peasants’. Well you know what, Jerry? Fuck you man! This comic sucks balls and you goddamn know it, you bullshit elitist piece of shit and I hope you choke on sushi rolls as you’re re-reading Finnegan’s Wake, pretending to understand what’s going on. |
Planetary
belongs to the former category, mostly because it is a comic book that is a
gestalt of comic books, referencing comic books, with roots set deep in comic
book history.
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It is a reference within a reference within a reference, all the way
back to the beginning of the medium…
|
By reading
these paragraphs, a lot of you might consider passing on this comic book
series, thinking it too elitist for your tastes, but here’s the catch: it’s
not. Somehow, either thanks to decades’ worth of comic book narrative
experience or witchcraft
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| Most probably witchcraft, though… |
Warren
Ellis has achieved to balance out the mate and the actual narrative, creating a
fascinating equilibrium, while at the same time giving the WildStorm Universe
some much-needed depth.
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| And suddenly, Jenny Sparks and the Authority weren’t alone any more… |
Planetary
is also very, very angry. Oh sure, it’s clever and deep and rife with meaning,
but goddamn, does the wrath of the Brit gush out of the pages! In many
ways, Planetary is similar to Wanted, in the sense that it is the wrathful, yet
calculated work of an established author, aimed at a very specific audience
with a very specific purpose.
But whereas
Wanted was about the underdog getting to shoot the schoolyard bullies in the
face and fucking their wives, Planetary is about a handful of people proving to
you, the reader, that the world is so much stranger, beautiful and full of
potential than you could ever dare imagine.
It’s not so
much an example of revenge porn, as much as a pamphlet, detailing the glory and
majesty of a multiverse that’s just waiting to be discovered.
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| All this and more, can be yours with just 6 payments of $20.99! (shipment costs not included) |
I would
love to call it Wonder Porn, but that sounds way too awesome to use yet and
besides, Planetary does have its very own grim, brooding, infant-killing side.
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| What the hell is that supposed to mean: “Don’t torch the goddamn baby?” |
Instead, I
shall call it pessimism porn. Because despite its promises of wonder, it does
involve the death and suffering of innocents for a greater good, as well as a
lot of insightful and absolutely depressing punchlines.
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And a few surprisingly hopeful ones.
|
So, what
does this fine example of pessimism porn bring to the table? Let’s find out:
Meet
Elijah Snow:
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In my mind, he’s pouting like an 8-year old girl.
|
Mister Snow
is over a hundred years old and he’s been places, met people and seen things,
not a single one of which could (or should) be considered normal. He’s
considered the world’s greatest historian of the strange and with good reason,
which is why he is invited to join the Planetary organization by…
Jakita
Wagner:
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| Just one of her orgasms could shatter your pelvis... |
She’s mean,
she’s lean, she’s the toughest, fastest, ballsiest woman you’ve seen in a comic
book and she loves getting deeper and deeper into the weirdness and the
strangeness that Planetary represents. She could have been the complete
antithesis of Elijah, had it not been for…
The
Drummer:
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| Your computer-savvy acquaintance that you couldn’t ever bring yourself to hang out with. |
The Drummer
(First Name The, Surname Drummer) is a superhuman with the ability to see and
control the flow of information and talk to machines. While this summary may
make him appear as the single most awesome and interesting character in the
team, his social skills are sorely lacking.
He’s also
kind of a wuss.
But what
sort of comic-book organization would Planetary be without its villains? But
who could possibly serve as a proper antagonist to a globe-spanning group of
mystery archaeologists, aiming to bring out the secret knowledge and wonder of
the world to the masses? Hmmm, how about…
The
Four:
 |
| Still footage, extracted from [DATA REDACTED], moments before the launch of [DATA EXPUNGED] |
The four are
a group of superhuman beings intent on [DATA REDACTED] with the express purpose
of [DATA EXPUNGED] brush with the Planetary Oragnization back in [LEVEL OMEGA
CLEARANCE REQUIRED PAST THIS POINT]
I mean, wow,
right? Warren Ellis really did nail it with that one! But, then again,
every great work has its flaws, so here’s the best and worst parts of
Planetary, in short. First off, the good parts:
Planetary
is the abridged version of the history of the WildStorm Universe.
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| Fictional history in the making. |
WildStorm
was one of those companies that tried to break into the superhero scene at a
point of oversaturation and very nearly lost everything in the process. Its
heroes were run-of the-mill violent, angsty teenagers with ill-defined
superpowers and it would not have survived the process, had its desperation not
drawn in a number of established writers who wished to abuse their creative
freedom within its boundaries.
WildStorm
has a lot of great stories (seriously, check out StormWatch: Team Achilles) and
a lot of excellent ideas planted there by creative minds and left to flourish,
but it lacked a coherent, unified history. This was originally not thought to
be that big of a deal (what with WildStorm being too busy showering the success
of titles now handled by writing legends), but as its audience grew, a need for
continuity and coherence arose.
The Authority was the first series to attempt
to infuse that depth, but it wasn’t enough, not on its own.
 |
|
”Hey man, I
didn’t buy this comic book for the backstory, know what I’m sayin’?” fully
justified, yet clueless reader.
|
I mean, the
explanation “Cold War made the superhumans” and “oh, the Soviets had this alien
planet-smashing fleet on ice since Stalin died” wasn’t explanation enough for
the seasoned WildStorm reader. Thus, Planetary stepped in to fill in the gaps
and present the evolution of superhumanity in a manner same as the OverMan
evolved and grew in our own culture.
The role of
Planetary as ‘mystery archaeologists’ serves as a clever expositional device. This
way, we get to learn the history of the world by people who can, casually, drop
facts mid-conversation, perfectly summarizing past events in a couple
sentences.
It is a
revamped approach to the old, serialized pulps:
 |
Monsters-of-the-week never looked so damn good…
|
This is not
the first time Warren Ellis has attempted to resurrect the pulps. In fact, I’m
not even certain he ever gave up on it. But let’s say he began with APPARAT
(BUY IT NOW) and that Planetary was the culmination of his work in that regard.
In that
context, Planetary is the way comics books must be: a parade of wonders,
horrors and excitement, brought to you monthly for your enjoyment. It’s a
format in which you ought to and should experiment and push its borders,
recycling old tropes and ideas and giving them new and exciting shapes.
Planetary’s
covers change with each issue, showcasing a different style, theme and
approach, always making you want to see what the hell is going to happen next.
The series sells itself by constantly shifting and approaching different
subjects, serving to build a greater, grander mythology than we could have ever
imagined. It also serves to create stepping stone the size of 2001’s monolith
for WildStorm, which it should damn well better use to its fullest extent!
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| Oh. Um…wait, nevermind… |
Planetary
is comic book conspiracy theory, done right:
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| I know it sounds ridiculous, but why am I not laughing? |
Planetary
works with the utter silliness and paranoia of conspiracy theory and of secret
powers controlling mankind’s history and turns it on its head. What began as a
silly little joke in Authority, now turns into part of the core of the
narrative.
The theory
of there being lobbies or secret brotherhoods controlling the world suddenly
becomes a far greater and more tangible threat when superhumans are involved.
How has the OverMan changed? Who does Batman work for now? Is the JLA a
non-profit organization anymore? Who watches the X-men?
Suddenly,
layers upon layers of government conspiracy and multiversal implications appear
and the same old NWO-are-after-our-brains spiel becomes relevant and scary and
fucking awesome again!
Which is
the other greatest selling point and also most glaring flaw of Planetary as
well, as we’re about to see. This mostly happens because:
You soon
find out that you stop caring about the progression of the series itself:
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| Well, whoopdie-fucking-do, now show me some more Secret Science Cities! |
Back in my
Transmetropolitan review, I mentioned how Warren Ellis’ world building hurts
his story and Planetary is no exception: the world he hints at and its terrors,
lurking just behind the main storyline are far more mysterious and grand than
the main conflict. In fact, by the time the great big conflict between the Four
and Planetary reaches its climax, I find myself more and more frustrated at the
thought of not witnessing just one more (even tiny) bit of the world’s secret
history, which I grew to love.
Of course,
the majesty of the backstory is not in and of itself enough to make me
indifferent to the story. Matter of fact, I would have been much more invested
in it, had I not found out that…
Jakita
and The Drummer aren’t all that interesting, either:
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Drummer and Jakita, in a rare
moment of character development
|
Jakita’s
strong, tough and gets bored easily. Drummer’s weird, but a nice kid and useful
to have around. They’re also orphans aaaaannnndddd that’s all folks.
It’s
amazing how, even though these two have an entire issue devoted to them each,
they are so shallow and uninteresting characters, without any personality to
them. To be perfectly honest, I found them both to possess much more flair and
personality in the very first issues (when they were just two super-powered
weirdos, pissing off Elijah) then 25 issues in, when they are suddenly reduced
to supporting cast, serving to make Elijah look cooler by comparison.
And last,
but not least…
The Last
Couple Issues:
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| A moment of explosive tonal compression. |
Planetary,
like Transmetropolitan, suffers from a lack of focus. On one hand, it is the story
of a universe chock-full of superheroes but plagued by human pettiness. On the
other, it’s a story about freedom of information against the secret masters of
the world. It’s a tale about strangeness and hidden wonder versus banality and
predictability.
It’s a
story about stories, but it also tries to be a story about its characters,
about halfway in. And that doesn’t work, not for me anyway. While I did like
the conflict between Planetary and The Four, I found that it should have been
an entire other comic book series altogether. There is too much wonder that we
missed during those issues that were too busy with portraying their secret
wonder, missing out on some grand stuff, the kind that only Warren Ellis’
world-building can conjure.
Planetary
attempts to return to the parade of wonders approach in its final five issues,
but at that point, the entire attempt becomes…jumbled and not as potent as
before. In fact, if anything, it feels out of place.
But you
know what? You should buy this comic. Even if you’re not into pop culture
history, even if you don’t know who the fuck Doc Savage and The Shadow are,
even if you can’t tell the difference between the Crisis on Infinite Earths and
Infinite Crisis.
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| Protip: one requires a PHD in Nerd sciences. The other needs a couple quick Wikipedia references. |
You should
buy it because it’s beautiful, depressing, hopeful and terrifying, all at the
same time. Because, if Planetary was a food, it would have been an entire fried
chicken with a side of an entire box of Oreos and a huge-ass bowl of ice-cream
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| Served with a side of crunchy, curly fries. |
Sure, it
would be the equivalent on declaring full-scale chemical warfare on your
stomach and subsequently your lower intestine, but goddamn is it a fun ride
that you ought to try!
Addendum:
Planetary’s
wonderful art and its impossible contraptions are brought to you by John
Cassaday, who apparently has a dream-projector for a head and the spinerettes
of Ananasi for fingers.
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| Superhero art, done right. |
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