So apparently, Rhamy Payne of Cross-Up fame nominated me for an internet award. Now, awards are generally good things to have and I wanted it, so I felt like I had to earn it, so he asked me to answer 11 questions.
I did my best to answer them in as serious a manner as I could possibly muster. Here goes:
1) Surprise! You’re a superhero. What’s your superpower?
The power to manipulate the planet’s biosphere like a god. I would then use this power to solve world hunger and restore the balance between man and nature.
Did that make you feel like a selfish asshole, because you picked flight? Okay then, how about winning at everything forever. Games, bets, arguments, war, love, sports, marriages, arson, art.
2) As a corollary to the above, are you a hero or a villain?
Guess I’d start off as a hero but I’d pretty soon find myself abusing my power for my personal benefit. I’d start off nice and innocent; a streak of wins in Vegas here, a gold medal in every Olympic event ever, a harem of women stalking me and seeking my attention, an autobiography.
But pretty soon, before you knew it, I would use this power to force people to do my bidding. If you win every argument, pretty soon you can start making ridiculous claims and proving them. Yes, it’s a perfectly good idea to give me all your money. Why yes, mister President, I bet you it would be delightful if you gave me the nuclear launch codes. What’s that, CEOs of every successful company on the globe? You actually think it would be great if you handed over every patent and thing you owned? Why thank you, I’m honored!
I’d end up keeping the world hostage and pretty soon people wouldn’t talk to me or shoot me to the moon with a gag on my mouth, just so I’d go away and stop stirring shit up.
3) As a corollary to the corollary, what’s your catch phrase? Some variant of
“It’s clobberin’ time,” perhaps?
Wears sunglasses “Trust me, I got this”.
4) Have you ever been in a fight?
Yes. And I would have lost too, had I not kicked my opponent in the ‘nads.
5) Have you ever had (or still have -- not that anyone’s judging) an imaginary friend?
No. But I pretended I had one, due to peer pressure. I called him Slimy Tony and he was made out of a magical radioactive slime (yes, slime can possess both properties at the same time) and he could change shape or slide between sewer gratings.
6) You hear that there’s an ancient treasure, and you narrow down the location to two places: a deep jungle, or a mountain summit. You only have the resources for one expedition. Where do you go?
Mountain Summit. There’s a reason they call jungles “green hells”.
7) And now you’re in an RPG! You have a choice of being a fighter, a mage, or a thief. What do you choose, and why?
=eh’s a pretty cool guy and doesn’t afraid of anything.
Fighters go first into the fray, they soak up the damage the puny weaklings that consist the rest of the party can’t take, plus they got swords and get to beat the living crap out of their opponents with their own hands!
Also, I couldn’t be arsed to learn a bunch of spells.
8) You can have your dream machine -- a new computer, a rocket car, jetpack, personalized mech, etc. -- delivered to you by tomorrow morning. What do you want?
Portal gun that works on every surface, with unlimited portals and preprogrammed destinations. Why the hell do you even have to ask?
10) You have the power to resurrect any canceled/finished TV show, with the original cast and writing that’s better than ever. What do you revive?
The Twilight Zone. Cast is unimportant, but if I can get Harlan Elisson and the rest of the writing legends to write at least another season, then I can die a happy man.
11) You’ve been struck by lightning! Oh nutbunnies! What are (presumably) your last words?
“I can see it! I can see it all! Oh dear God, it’s worse than we thou-” dies.
12) And just to close out on a curveball, what’s your dream?
You mean besides becoming a children’s books writer professionally and living to see the day when actual, honest to god superheroes roam the Earth?
I guess it’s knowing that my kids get to do these things.
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