“Hey! Hey, come here for a sec!”
“What’s up?”
“Some shit going down near the Bermuda Triangle. That storm finally broke.”
“Thank god. Damn thing wreaked havoc on my bandwidth.”
“What did that storm have to do with your bandwidth anyway?”
“Caused some disturbances in orbit or something. People on the news kept talking about space dust and fallout.”
“That’s a damn shame. Anyway, damn thing’s cleared up now.”
“Thank god, now I can get back to raiding.”
“You still playing that damn game?”
“Yup.”
“Thought you quit, man.”
“No, you quit. You just kept pestering me about quitting with you, ‘cause you couldn’t bear going cold turkey on your own.”
“Thought we were in this together, man.”
“Hey, I took care of you and I was there for you when you had the shakes and kept screaming the whole damn time. I’m not the bad guy here.”
“Damn. Still playing that same old character?”
“Nah, man. Sold him for three thousand.”
“Three thousand? Who the hell buys a character for that much?”
“When he’s been outsourced to Chinese game laborers and honed to perfection, he’s not just a character, man. He’s a luxury item.”
“Damn. Think I could sell my guy too?”
“You deleted your guy, man. Cried and everything when you clicked yes.”
“I was that bad, huh?”
“Worse. Ooh, storm’s clearing up.”
“Says here there’s some magnetic disturbance.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. I’m gonna go shut down my computer.”
“What? Why?”
“Read that these things work like EMPs, you know? Fry electronics?”
“I don’t think a blast from the Bermuda Triangle’s gonna catch us all the way here, man.”
“Hey, he who laughs last, man…”
“Can you get me a soda, too?”
“You know, you ought to get your own damn sodas. You’ve been sitting on this couch for a week now. Swear to God, if I hadn’t seen you get up to go to the bathroom, I’d have thought you were paralyzed from the waist down.”
“I’m fine, dude.”
“No you’re not. You’ve been like this since you broke up with Nancy.”
“Pff. Come on man, Nancy is old news. Don’t even give a damn.”
“Then why are you stuck in the damn chair, not even bothering to get up?”
“I’m not in the mood, that’s all.”
“Like hell you aren’t. Here’s your soda.”
Psst.
“Thanks, man. Needed that.”
“Come on, man you can tell me.”
“Tell you what?”
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine, geez!”
“No you’re not. Bitch broke your heart didn’t she? Oh what, now you’re gonna get mad at me?”
“She’s not a bitch.”
“Fair enough. How’s bimbo? Hussy? Useless waste of your damn time?”
“Don’t talk about her like that.”
“I’ll talk about her any damn way I like, man! She was dragging you from the nose for a year and a half, made you waste half your savings on stupid crap then left you. She was a gold digger at best and I won’t have you defending her!”
“You wouldn’t say that to her face when she was with me…”
“Of course I wouldn’t. You’re my friend and she was your girl and I liked her despite her flaws while you were together. Now she’s no longer with you? Man oh man, it’s ex hunting season!”
“She liked you, you know.”
“I know she did. Made a pass at me too.”
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me? Did you guys do anything?”
“No man, I threw her off. Bros before hos.”
“You telling me the truth?”
“Jesus wept, man! How could you even think about that? What the hell’s that?”
“Some shit about seismic disturbances. You sure nothing went on between you two?”
“Dude, I swear, you’re like a little brother to me but if you even think about me double-crossing you for that slut Nancy, I swear I’ll kick your teeth in.”
“Okay, sorry, sorry. I’m just…I’m trying to latch onto something to blame her, you know. Something to make her be the bad guy. I need that, so I can get over her.”
“I just gave you five reasons. What’s wrong with them?”
“No, those are your reasons. I just need mine. I need something to make her look bad to me. So I can get over her.”
“Is that why you’re stuck in that damn chair? You wanna come up with a reason to hate her?”
“Yeah.”
“Man, if you weren’t my friend, I’d have punched you in the ‘nads, you know that?”
“I know. It’s just…”
“Whoa. What the hell is that?”
“Just, for a second, you mind paying attention?”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s just…I want her to be a bitch and all that and I know I’ll hate her in a month or so, but I can’t stand this. I feel like I’m gonna fall to pieces any minute now, man. I need to be the way I’ll be in a month from now, when I’ll hate her damn guts.”
“Did I ever tell you about my dumper/dumpee theory?”
“No.”
“Okay. So, here’s the idea: in every relationship, there’s a core group of two people right?”
“Right.”
“Now, the relationship has, on average, a finite lifespan. When that lifespan is over, the relationship is terminated by one of the two parties. With me so far?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Now, as far as the termination of a relationship goes-that I will from now on call a dumping-the parties are divided into that of the dumper and that of the dumpee.”
“Haha. Okay…”
“Now, the dumper is the one that has either terminated or engineered the termination of the relationship. He is emotionally better prepared, spiritually and psychologically shielded for the rigors of separation. Therefore, the dumper is the one that jumps right back on their feet when the relationship is over and doesn’t end up feeling like crap all the time.”
“Yeah. But in this case, I’m the dumper.”
“No. Because you see, the dumper could have engineered the break up. By being, say, insufferable. Or a total bitch. Anyway, by making you wanna get rid of her.”
“So that’s why she…”
What she did is not important, man. Now-what the hell is that?”
“Looks weird.”
“Is that thing live? Is it even happening? Turn up the volume, man.”
The…figure, appears to be standing up, Tom…it’s…it’s gigantic in size, to say the least. The smoke is still clearing, so we can’t get any nearer on the chopper, it might take a while, before we-
“You’re sure this isn’t the science fiction channel?”
“Nope. News.”
“Jesus wept, man. The hell is this thing?”
“Probably a hoax. Like the one in the 20’s that Welles pulled off. Keep going.”
“Uh…yeah. So, um, where was I?”
“You were just done with your definition of a dumper’s properties.”
“Oh, yes. The dumpee, on the other hand, is the one that has either ended or has had the relationship ended for him and was completely unprepared for any and all repercussions. He-or she-is the one that gets hit hardest, since they can’t get used to the fact that the relationship’s over. This causes them undue emotional and psychological stress, due to this-to them-unexpected change in their lives. In some cases, it pins them on their chairs. Like so.”
“So…the dumpee is the loser, huh?”
“No. The dumpee is the one that gets hit hardest. He’s the one that takes the brunt of it. Most dumpers are actual losers, since they’re the ones that didn’t have anything to offer or lose in the first place.”
“Yeah, but the dumpee’s always the dumpee, right? I mean, there’s gotta be something wrong with you, right?”
“No, man! No there isn’t! You were just shafted on the deal, that’s all! Shouldn’t let that shit get you down! Just because you had a hard time with one ungrateful bitch, doesn’t mean you’re gonna be woman fodder for the rest of your life! You’re stronger now, man!”
“Don’t feel stronger.”
“You used up all your dumb moves and your mistakes on Nancy. You’re not gonna repeat it on the next girl. You’re gonna be a relationship veteran, wearing those scars like armor, you’ll see.”
“You think so?”
“I know so, man. Now turn up the volume, something’s happening.”
Tom, the smoke is clearing and our pilot is going to attempt to move closer to the figure…it appears to be humanoid in shape, but the size of it...it’s uncanny, Tom. It appears to be completely motionless, not showing any signs of life so far.
Thank you Trisha. We’re waiting for an update on this. But before the facts, we need some theory to back them up! Dr. Escher, what’s your opinion on this mysterious event?
Now, Tom, calling this thing a sighting is farfetched…
“I think I’m gonna scare off the next girl I’ll get, man.”
“What? Why?”
“Cause I’m gonna be all distant and careful and I’m gonna push her away, you know?”
“No you’re not. Don’t be dumb, man. You can’t be on your guard for the rest of your life. You’re gonna be just the same, just a little bit smarter, little bit rougher. You’re gonna make mistakes, but they won’t be that big like last time’s.”
“Yeah. I mean, I know I let Nancy drag me around.”
“Plus you spent all that money on her.”
“Yeah. Well not next time. Next time, I’m gonna be be ready. I’m not gonna fall for it. Next time…”
“You’ll see when the time comes. Hush now, something’s happening.”
Tom, we’re close to the figure, just on the edge of the dust cloud. We’re going to attempt entering. There might be some disturbance or some feedback delay during transit, so we’d-
“The hell was that?”
“Must have lost their signal.”
Trisha’s team is off the air for now, ladies and gentlemen. Please wait, while we attempt to re-establish contact.
“What the hell was that?”
“I’m telling you, it’s a hoax.”
“Like hell it’s a hoax. The anchor guy’s scared shitless.”
“That’s what he gets the big bucks for. Where was I? Oh yeah. Don’t let this crap take you down, man. Get off the chair. Wanna go for a jog?”
“One sec, I need to see this.”
We’re reestablishing contact…just been notified by our studio technicians…give it some time until it clears…Trisha? Trisha, are you there? Trisha, can you hear me?
“Holy shit!”
“AAAAIIIEE!”
Jesus Christ!
“What the hell’s wrong with her, man?”
“I don’t know! Oh god, her eyes…”
Aaargh!
“Turn it down! Mute it! Mute it!”
“What the hell was that sound?”
“Don’t know man. Sounded like something dragged its nails in my brain or something.”
“How the hell can she scream like that?”
“Why the hell is she still holding the damn mic?”
“Okay, the anchor guy stopped squirming. Turn it back up.”
Trisha, what is happening in there? What’s going on? Did you establish contact with the figure?
YES
Trisha? What happened in there?
THE SONG OF UN-CREATION. THE TOUCH OF UN-TELLIGENCE. THE FIRST SACRIFICE ON THE PATH TO OBLIVION.
Trisha, what the hell are you talking about?
WE WERE MERELY THE FIRST IN LINE, TOM.
“Doesn’t look like a hoax at all, man.”
“What the hell is going on? Is this even happening?”
“Says here something about a disturbance or something. Not quite clear on the details.”
“Turn it off, for God’s sake!”
“What, are you crazy? Do you wanna miss this?”
“What if it fries our brains?”
“Look, I’ll keep it muted all the time, okay. We’ll just read the headlines. Just…just talk to me, man.”
“You think this is an alien?”
“What the hell do I care what it is?”
“This is important, dude! We need to know what it is!”
“What for?”
“Well, if it’s alien, then it’s just gonna enslave us after it tears down our defences, which means that it’s gonna suck. But, if it’s just here for mindless destruction, then that means we need to start pillaging now, so we can beat the rush.”
“The hell’s wrong with you, man?”
“Sssh. The headline’s just changed.”
DUST CLOUD BREAKING.BREAKING FOOTAGE OF THE MYSTERIOUS SIGHTING.
“Why do they keep showing her? What’s that dumb bastard anchor doing, talking to her?”
“She looks like a horror movie victim, man. Makes me sick to my stomach but I can’t look away.”
“Turn it up, just a bit.”
“What the hell is this?”
“I think they’re talking. Let me turn it up some more.”
“That’s not talking, man.”
“Sounds like growling and trying to vomit at the same time.”
“Shut up for a sec, man. Think I’m making out something.”
“What the hell is he doing?”
Plop. Plop.
“Bastard just took out his damn eyes!”
“Shit, I’m gonna hurl!”
“Oh God…oh God…headline’s changing! What the-“
“Christ. You seeing this?”
“Yeah. Oh God, what the hell is it?”
“I don’t know. I have absolutely no idea.”
“It’s talking. It’s talking. What do we do?”
“Turn off the TV, man!” Let’s get the hell out!”
RRRIIING! RRIIINNGG!
“Leave the goddamn phone, for Christ’s sake!”
“One sec! Hello? Who? Where are you? Nancy’s all alone! I gotta go get her!”
“Dude! What the hell?”
“Nancy? I don’t have caller ID so I need you to tell me where you’re calling me from. Nancy? Nancy?”
“What’s wrong man? You look pale. Give me the phone. Hey, Nancy? Hello?”
“”
Crank!
“Let’s get the hell out!”
“And go where? You heard her! You heard how she spoke! Like that newscaster! The damn thing must have reached all the way here! There’s no way out!”
“Listen to me and listen good: dumb bitch ex of yours got her brain fried. Now you get a move on, because I’m not in the mood!”
“Wait. You hear that?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Sounds like a crunching sound. Like biting into real stale pizza.”
“What the hell is this? Where’s it coming from?”
“Now it’s kinda like ripping.”
“What the hell is this? Who the hell’s making this noise? Did you mute the TV?”
“Yeah. Doesn’t sound like it’s coming from the living room. Seems like it’s echoing. Oh crap.”
“It’s outside the damn window! Oh God!”
“What the hell happened to the wall?”
“I think it ate it.”
“We’re gonna die, aren’t we?”
“Yeah.”
“Some tens of thousands of years of civilization gonna go down the drain, aren’t they?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s a crying shame, you know that?”
“Don’t think it cares, man.”
“I was gonna get over Nancy.”
“I was gonna get myself a job. Proper one, none of this temp shit.”
“I was gonna write a novel.”
“I was halfway through my first podcast and everything. Would have taken the internet by storm, you know.”
“I know, right?”
“Well, at least now we aren’t gonna mope anymore. It could be worse, you know.”
“How could it possibly be any worse?”
“Could have fucked Nancy. That would’ve been awkward.”
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