Movies from the Multiverse-Captain Planet

So yeah, this is the creepiest thing I’ve seen all week…

Movies From the Multiverse-Captain Planet

I used to be in love with the idea of gritty remakes of good, old-fashioned kid’s shows. I used to laugh at the murderous little shock skits of Robot Chicken, where the Hanna Barbera characters would turn into serial killers and I died laughing when I saw the Batman-gets-his-spine-broken gag on the DC comics special.

It very nearly ruined Dark Kinght Returns for me, to be honest. Couldn’t stop singing the jig whenever Bane did something badass.

But I got pretty sick of it, really fast, mostly because Hollywood has become drunk off its pornography of pessimism, counting on shock value and nostalgia to produce dark, grimy movies with no entertainment value beyond the first screening. However, as this trend does not show any real signs of waning, I have chosen to place my two cents on the Internet, in the vain hope that maybe I can make abuse a franchise that has so far eluded any attempts to remake it, mostly due to its overwhelming cheesiness.

With that in mind, I give you:

The Shapescapes Captain Planet Grim and Gritty Remake:

Cue over-produced chorus remake of the Captain planet theme song

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What i Think About Stuff-Man Of Steel

 Dun-dududun-duhduhduhduhduhdDUHDUHDUHDUH-DUNDUDDDUUUUNN-DUHDUHDUHDUH-DUHDUUNN!

What I Think About Stuff-Man Of Steel

Disclaimer: This is not strictly a review, but more of a short presentation on my opinion on Man Of Steel. If you were looking for a comprehensive analysis on the movie, then you won’t find it here. What you WILL find is the opinion of a Superman nerd on the latest movie. For a complete take-down, visit Rhamy Payne’s Cross-Up blog and follow his blow-by-blow analysis of the film’s flaws.

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Imperium Reginae, Part Two-Races of the Empire

 

Life begets life, begets intelligence.

 

Imperium Reginae, Part Two-Races of the Empire

The Austro-Russian Empire spans four planets, each brimming with life. Its subjects range from plain old, boring humanity to the Elves and Drow of Selene to even the alien Rakasha of Agathodaimon.

But what is the role and function of each of intelligent race of the Empire? How do they fit in the greater scheme of things? What is their position and function? In the interest of avoiding going into too much detail, I will instead provide a rough guide to the class and caste distinction of Imperial Society.

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Mister Patches

My grandma gave me Mister Patches when I was just four years old and still afraid of the dark.

“Just hold it close when the lights go out and make sure you don’t let go” she’d whispered in my ear, as she handed me the disheveled teddy bear. Mister Patches was a veteran of two World Wars, and it showed: he had a button for an eye and a square of tricolette fabric on his belly. He had plaid armpits and the ends of his feet were clad in felt. His smile was crooked, the black thread that originally outlined his mouth long since torn, replaced halfway through by a bright blue thread. It made his mouth look funny, like he was smiling two different kinds of smiles:

“One” my grandma said, pointing at the black-thread half “is for children that have good-dreams. The other” she turned Mister Patches, showing the mad zig-zag of blue “is for bogeymen, which Mister Patches eats.”

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