|“Lemme tell you about the future. The future is just as shit as the present and twice more shit than the past”|
2013 was a fucking disappointment on so many levels. We got out next generation games, our top-notch superhero movies (except for the shit ones where Christopher Nolan had a part), we got the Chinese on the Moon, we got drawing of dongs by virtue of remote-controlled treads on Mars but we also got a fascist party in the Greek Parliament, we mourned the loss of science fiction greats like Iain M. Banks, Syria was enveloped in a gruesomely bloody civil war, children die in their dozens by lead poisoning as a result of shitty working conditions as gold miners and Slavoj Zizek became a pop culture icon, for re-examining American cinema through the dusty, red-tinted glasses of Stalinist political theory.
|If your shitty political theory ended up killing twenty million people and driving them to the extremes of poverty the first time, then try again.|
But you’re not here to read about terrible stuff, now. What you want to read is my little bit of augury, about the new vidyagames and movies that are coming out next year! So y’all best get good and fucked up on peyote and have your significant other strap you on your safety chair, cause we’re going future-surfing!
Movies I won’t Watch and Games I won’t Play-A Shapescapes 2014 futurospective.
|FOR OPTIMAL VIEWING Adjust screen brightness until the screaming cockroaches in the background are barely visible.|
Infamous: Second Son
Radical Entertainment’s failure to produce a worthy sequel to the black-hearted shoggoth-simulation masterpiece that was PROTOTYPE opened the way for Sucker Punch to conclude their vastly inferior franchise and drown themselves in powdered escort girls while doing it.
After discovering that they had just snorted the final remains of Kandi (the brunnete with the massive rack) on a fine May morning, Sucker Punch’s staff suddenly realized that they had spent every last penny in the studio’s coffers and decided to create a sequel to the franchise that they had just narratively terminated with Infamous 2, by shamelessly ripping off the original’s idea and replacing a couple words through the magic of MS Word’s FindàReplace All Function and enabling the track changes function, for ease of reference.
In this game, you assume the role of
broke hipster delivery boy graffiti artist Cole McGrath Delsin
Rowe, a man who develops electricity-based fire-themed super-powers
after accidentally detonating a McGuffin Bomb that gives everybody else
superpowers as well coming in contact with another person who has gained
superpowers because of Cole’s original fuck-up, because superhumans apparently
have the awesome kind of herpes.
The game is set in the government-controlled near dystopian warzone that is
2 New York City Seattle and is in no way the same heavy-handed
retelling of the same old anti-establishment class war struggle that was
spot-on and immediately exhausted through Nikolai Dante. Instead, Sucker Punch
goes the other way and paints Delsin as a superhuman supremacist, hard at work
eliminating baseline humans in a global attempt to bring forth Conduit
superiority across the Globe, ending with his rise to power as head of the
National Genetic Superiority Party. Alfred Hilter, story editor of Sucker
Punch, receives an award for his bold move and makes Hitler-staches cool again
among the 12-18 year old demographic.
Noah: The Grimmening
After realizing that his one-dimensional narrative and stylistic approach makes everyone think he is shitting 24-carat gold bars, Darren Arronofsky decides to tackle his very first disaster movie taken straight from the Bible. Knowing that this is a terrible idea that is still going to pay for his car’s cocaine addiction, he makes sure he gives it a star-studded cast, because people are idiots.
Noah takes a radically different take on the Biblical epic by presenting the titular character as history’s first recovering drug-addict, finding God in the middle of withdrawal visions in prehistoric rehab (i.e: a cave) that convince him he should totally build a boat and put two of every animal in it.
Noah’s wife and children, also laden with a number of burdens (two sons who are incestuous homosexuals in denial, a daughter who used to be a wizard trapped in the past and a wife who is in love with a unicorn), decide to help their madman of a father because hey what are you gonna do with all that free time. During the course of the movie, we get to see Noah struggle with his personal failings and family troubles for a good 120 minutes, before God finally decides to kill everybody and get on with the flooding which lasts for a good 40 minutes.
The movie ends with Noah leaving his Ark to discover a new World, only to discover that his wife is pregnant with the only human-unicorn hybrid baby which she conceived on the journey. The last 5-minutes are spent showing Noah braining the infant with a large-rock, before hunting down and killing the last Unicorn in the post-credits sequence. For his work, Darren Arronofksy is awarded with 6 Oscar Nomination, Two Golden Globes and infinite blowjobs.
Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture: It’s not the Stanley Parable 2, but goddamn we’re trying.
Following the unexpected success of artsy-parody-narrative-experiment of Stanley parable (or Wreden’s Inferno, as I like to call it), game develops the Chinese Room have decided to ride the wave of pretentiousness by releasing their own artsy almost-game, Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture.
In this game, you assume the role of Jeremy Pillock, a Southampton dock worker deep in debt to a number of shady dealers and also a deluded psychotic who one day wakes up to find that the world’s entire population has vanished except for three people, one of them being the hardest bastard in old Blighty and also his debt collector. After clicking shit and talking a bunch of vague bullshit for 20 hours, the player discovers that Jeremy was initially contemplating suicide but opted for killing everybody in the world instead at the beginning of the game. The final battle takes place in a Fish & Chip store, where the debt collector and the five survivors have fused into a giant flesh-monster that Jeremy has to kill using just a broken whiskey bottle and on-screen prompts.
The game becomes a stunning success and is let’s played by thousands of YouTubers, before finally being forgotten, two months later.
The Amazing Spiderman 2: We made a videogame, because we failed to make a movie the first time around.
The failure of the original Amazing Spiderman to convince studios that nobody wants to create half-assed teenage dramas drove Disney to take over the direction of the next Amazing Spiderman movie and try to actually make a halfway decent superhero movie this time around.
The Amazing Spiderman 2 is a 95-minute explody-fighty fest that tweens every single character of the Spiderman franchise and gives us the worst incarnation of Norman Osbourne yet (not counting the one where everybody forgot he was a serial killer and made him SHIELD director). All dialogue scenes are removed in the interest of steering attention away from crappy writing and because people have gotten over the fact that Peter Parker is a hopeless nerd who got to bang a 10 about 4 decades ago.
Kids love it, teenagers masturbate to it and old people hate it, but still buy the action figures making it a resounding success.
Final Fantasy XV: Got a problem with us ripping off windaria? Call 1-800-WE-ARE-SQUEENIX-EAT-SHIT
The visually stunning metrosexual masterpiece starring a hermaphrodite Japanese boy caught in the middle of a war between a magic-based and a technocratic nation sweeps everyone on E3 off their feet with its clear visual superiority that is guaranteed to put it ahead of the game in the next gen console war for at least 3 months or until people actually play it and discover that they have probably seen this shit before (PROTIP: it was one of the 3 good anime that came out in the 80’s).
The game follows the adventures of Noctis, the closest Squeenix ever came to ripping off Devil May Cry’s Dante, as he Dantes up the place by teleporting and jumping long distances and fighting people with swords and a pair of handguns with infinite ammo that he uses to fight giant bosses. There is also a love story thrown in that drags on for 20 hours, mostly because Noctis being a hermaphrodite cannot grasp the advances of either of his two suitors.
Final Fantasy XV becomes a shining example of Japan’s videogaming technological superiority and its gigantic budget becomes one of the reasons that causes the videogame industry to finally crash and burn.
300-Rise of the Empire: Frank Miller needs his coke money.
Instead of letting his past successes cushion him against his string of terrible ideas, Frank Miller decides to destroy 300 by writing a sequel to the comic book adaptation of a historical account written by Herodotus, whom we all know to have been full of shit, every now and then.
300: rise of an Empire tells the story of Xerxes, history’s most flamboyant ruler and his legendary clash with Themistocles in the battle of Salamis. The story abandons its façade of historical continuity and any smidgen of seriousness 20 minutes in, when Xerxes releases the Kraken, forcing Themistocles to climb on his Zeus-Mech and clash across the Aegean sea, before the one-eyed dude from the original 300 shoots a bow into space and it lands into Xerxes’ eye, killing him instantly. The movie ends with an awesome one-liner.
300 III: Alexander does Persia is scheduled for release in 2015
The Witcher 3: Racism is bad, m’kay?
Geralt fights fantasy Nazis and Elven Supremacists, overcoming every challenge by virtue of being the whitest man in the game.
The Witcher 3’s innovative sex and strip poker systems, as well as its extensive ‘flirt’ tree is however, what sets it apart from the rest of the games of its generation, along with the DLC that allows players to detect any women NPCs in the vicinity who are currently not on their periods. Nobody really notices the main storyline because the books are doing a way better job at it, to be honest.
RoboCop: Balls-less, life-less, blood-less two-fisted action!
Paul Verhoeven’s cyberpunk masterpiece gets gutted and the fun gorey bits are thrown out. Also, the screenwriters announce that ‘they cannot come up with an sf-style innovation for the movie’ except apparently making everything ipody and black.
The movie is absolute horseshit and a spit in the face of the original. People watch the 1980’s version at the comfort of their own homes and spend the 8 euro theater admission fee for nachos and beer.
Another year has come to an end and good fucking riddance to it, if you ask me. But at least I got a book done and someone’s probably got a laugh out of this article.
I dedicate this to you, dear reader; have a very Merry Christmas and an awesome 2014.
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