Σάββατο, 22 Δεκεμβρίου 2012

What I Think About Stuff-Next Year In review: a futurospective

 Behold! The future!

Next Year In Review Or Games I won’t play and Movies I won’t watch: a futurospective

So 2012 is coming to a close, Tezcatlipoca’s shadow looms over us and this article will probably be read by the few survivors of the foretold Mayan Apocalypse, who will paradoxically still have working Internet connections.

I’m deleting my browser history, just in case.

With all this in mind and with 2012 having been an insufferable, downright horrid year for my country and everyone in particular, I have decided not to waste your time talking about the cool shit that happened and instead look to a possible future.

So here you are, ladies and gents who are currently being sneakily approached by a group of radioactive contagious cannibals, shambling behind you as you read this:

Coming to you live, from Universe 7B, this is…


Remember: Future events such as these will affect you in the future.

Iron Man 3: Iron Man Harder

Making a radical shift in tonal direction, Marvel studios opt to make Iron Man 3 a much more visceral movie, concerning the demise of Tony Stark, both as Iron Man and as an industrialist billionaire playboy.

One of the first things made clear by the first wave of reviewers that rush to make their butthurt known, is that the trailer is a big fat lie, fed to us by the studio. None of the events presented take place in the movie, except as fever dreams inside Tony’s head, long since rotted by alcohol. 

After fighting the whitest Chinese Mandarin this side of Christopher Lee in the beginning of the film, 

No, Mistah Stahk, I expact yu to dieh…
Tony flies back to his home base, where his suit suffers catastrophic failure and causes him to crashland inside an old people’s home, killing twenty people. It is later revealed that Tony was heavily inebriated at the time and has his Avengers license revoked.

After breaking up with Gwyneth Paltrow, Tony descends deeper into his alcoholism and finds himself trapped deeper and deeper in flights of fancy, where he sees himself fighting his own suits that have come alive during the robot apocalypse and the restoration of his enemies.

It is during his final descent into madness that Tony jumps off the roof of his super-expensive mansion by the sea and drowns, thinking he’s Iron Man, shot down by missiles. The movie closes with his death, whereupon Josh Whedon forces a short post-credits clip that shows a new Tony cloned by SHIELD out of the harvested remains of his burnt-out liver.

It is at this point that the audience is told that the movie was directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

Everyone hates it and with good reason.
World War Z: The movie to the sequel of the book nobody asked for.

World War Z is hailed by internet critics, zombie enthusiasts and closet necrophiliacs everywhere as “The single most inconsistent to the zombie mythos movie of all time.” after it is revealed that the movie is a direct tie-in to Warm Bodies.

 i.e: Twilight with zombies that claims not to suck balls

The tie-in becomes blatantly obvious during a meta-screening of Warm Bodies’ trailer that allows Brad Pitt to find the only possible cure to the Solanum virus:

The audience, shocked and appalled by the Brad Pitt zombie make-out scene that cures it and later grossed out by the ensuing orgy that ends the zombie apocalypse, proceeds to rampage across the world during the worldwide premiere, bringing the world to the brink of total societal collapse. The zombie genre loses all credibility until the movie is remade in 3001, as a science fiction satire that parodies 21st century’s way of life, making zombies cool again.

13-year old girls love it, though.
The Last of Us: Post-Apocalyptic Family Drama

Following the wildly unsuccessful Walking Dead season 2 formula, Naughty Dog releases its 40-hour post-apocalyptic dialogue-fest, taking the gaming world by storm.

Jaded by the years of violent shooters and gore-fests, the collective fanbase of every shitty FPS ever made find the Last of Us to be the game that soothes their troubled, sociopathic souls and finally eases the demons of sexual power fantasies involving school bullies and exes shot in the face.

The Last of Us, having advertised itself as an action survival game, reveals itself instead to be a game about the last two people left on Earth, their slow two-person restoration of a semblance of human civilization. The game focuses heavily on crop and building simulation, with short zombie-slaying breaks between missions. Another innovation of Last of Us is the Patience mechanic (expanded from the boring old Facebook one-click-per-day model of play).

 Making players roleplay through the entire 8-hour sleep cycle, without putting down their controller.
 It is on the 20th-hour mark that Last of Us throws a curve-ball at the audience, halfway through the crop harvest: the protagonists meet a small group of survivors, who want to help them in their attempt to rebuild the world.

Because not every group of survivors is a bunch of paranoid, bickering cunts.
At that point, Last of Us changes direction, from a crop-harvesting and rebuilding game to a dating simulator, where you can play as the worrying dad or the star-struck daughter, seeking love in the wasteland, having to choose between your potential survivor mates.
Contrary to widespread Internet word of mouth, there is no gangbang or lesbian ending.

The Great and Powerful Oz: Fixing what isn’t broken.

After Sam Raimi’s choked to death by his own malignant severed arm, Disney pays Christopher Nolan a shitload of money to continue the work. Nolan, sick and tired of having to make another grim and gritty reimagining of a fanciful, nonsensical character, decides to take the movie in a wholly different direction.

After firing James Franco on account of him being too grim and brooding and, in Nolan’s exact words “a stupidface”, Oz is being casted to Korean 2012 sensation, PSY

Of Gangnam style fame.
Despite every attempt by Christopher Nolan to ruin the grim and gritty film by inserting such a ridiculous character and replacing parts of the score with orchestral farting, nobody gets the joke and Oz becomes, in fact, a box office hit. Christopher Nolan is immediately signed up for 20 more remakes of children’s book characters and a Looney Tunes gritty reboot, titled “Bugs Bunny: Downfall”, scheduled for release on 2015.

Starring Bruno Ganz as Bugs Bunny
The Host: Love and Nanites.

Nominated as IMdB’s ‘Girliest Scifi film of all time’, 5 minutes after its first public screening, The Host is also reported to cause a series of spontaneous shopping sprees and random outbursts of menstruation across the globe.

Presented at first as a love story that stretches out across the Universe starring the last black guy in existence, the movie promises visions of extinction, space exploration and off-world colonies, but instead delivers some Apple-sponsored prop gadgets and beauty tips for the ladies finding themselves stranded beneath alien suns.

It is also interesting to note that there was not a single showing of side-boob during the entire movie, completely contradicting every known trope in science fiction to this day. 

Devil May Cry: Somehow, he’s whiter now.

Capcom, deciding to take one of the greatest risks in its history, listens to the unwise council of white men in their employ and chooses to make Dante edgier and darker in the most literal sense of the word.

 i.e. by giving him a sharper sword and black hair.

With the original outbursts of butthurt having died down, the gaming collective realizes that no-one actually ever gave half a shit about Dante’s new image and instead choose to play the game: a political thriller, focusing on a world under the yoke of a sinister government, reminiscent of 1984’s Party, with the entirety of the game being an extended metaphor on totalitarian oppression.

The original script by Harlan Ellison is rejected, however, as Capcom refuses to inject incestuous homosexual undertones to Dante’s character (presenting Vergil as Dante’s imaginary  gay alter ego and twin brother) and is instead handled by its own writing team, who fucks it up worse than any man can imagine (as always).

DMC flops so bad that Capcom declares bankruptcy but is saved at the last minute by Hideki Kamiya, who presents E3 with his gameplay demo of “Bayonetta 2: It’s porn, there’s no use hiding it”.

Becoming the only hentai game in existence that doesn’t make you feel used and dirty 5 minutes in.

Metal Gear Revengeance: 80-hours of FMA

Backed by his millions of unwitting fans, Hideo Kojima realizes his dream of making an 80-hour movie that forces you to wiggle your controller, thus giving you the illusion of interactivity, with the stupidest-titled game of the entire series.

Revengeance (Jesus Christ, I can’t fucking type this again) is an unskippable exposition-fest that has something to do with civil war and unworkable cyborg supersoldiers, with an octogenarian Snake caught somewhere in the middle.

“I’m old and wolves are after me…” actual in-game quote.
Everyone ends up watching it on YouTube, because they’d be fucked if they have to sit through 80 hours of this boring ass piece of shit.

The Last Guardian: Everybody’s dead, Jim.

Developed by the creators of the masterfully crafted narrative punch in the balls that was Shadow of the Colossus

Where the death of the hapless idiot protagonist, in service to the obviously evil dark lord came as a total shock to everyone.
Return with the Last Guardian that is so well-written, presented and directed that it breaks the heart of every man woman and child who plays it or watches a playthrough of it, plunging a million people into depression and/or suicide.

The game is banned and every mention of its plot is struck from the Interwebs, leaving behind only this post, which is completely untrue and unfounded, without any evidence to support its claims.

The Last Guardian is a game where you play as Trico, a human-eating griffon on a rampage across the length and breadth of a fantasy kingdom, with his sociopathic kid sidekick by his side. The game plays like a fantasy version of GTA V and is described by IGN as

“The Witcher 2, only interesting.”
 During the course of the game, Trico and his sociopathic friend tear the shit out of a kingdom, fuck bitches, get money and grow their criminal empire before finally being gunned down by a rival hippogriff syndicate, its final scene a direct reference to Scarface.

Featuring Al Pacino as Trico.
After Earth: Will Smith-the Omega Black Man

Will Smith, having received the ‘borderline whitest black actor in the Universe award’, is cast to play in yet another post apocalyptic science fiction movie, where he and his son exchange motivational quotes and speeches and wear form fitting tights while jumping off cliffs and gliding on air currents. Mutant baboons and partially obscured humanoid aliens are also involved.

The world awaits this movie with bated breath, realizing that the title has nothing to do with the plot. The great twist is that the movie takes place inside a futuristic reality show taking place on a terraformed planet which premiers on the day sex becomes an Olympic sport, therefore nobody watches it. Neither Will Smith nor his son know what happened and so set up an elaborate roleplay, while waiting for the show to end so they can get their ten million space dollars and spend them on bitches and blow.

Like I am Legend before it, After Earth is greeted with a combined ‘meh’ from audiences everywhere, who go back to Last Of Us so they can farm wheat and try to get the daughter laid.

Crysis 3: Alien Tech Meme

Crysis 3 suffers in sales, since it turns out to be so technologically demanding  that it can only be run on NASA supercomputers, requiring well over 2 petabytes of RAM for optimum performance.

SpaceBall3000, a youtube user (and NASA engineer), is the only person on the planet with the hardware necessary to run the game. While in the process of recording the Let’s Play, the true purpose of Crysis is revealed: the game turns out to have been a vector for spreading an unknown alien intelligent meme, which infects the NASA supercomputers, giving them sentience. The entire world waits with bated breath, as the now-intelligent machine speaks its very first words:

 “I’m afraid I can’t let you turn the difficulty down, Dave.”
The NASA supercomputer then takes over the game and runs its very first 3 million barrel explosion, taking over every satellite orbiting Earth just so it can run the cool particle effects for the Internet to see. Unfortunately, its drain on our resources causes a systemic communications crash, leaving the supercomputer alone with its thoughts, driving itself to suicide in 10 minutes flat.

Every copy of Crysis 3 is taken from the shelves and FBI agents raid the Crytech offices, revealing the developers as alien agents, sent to destroy our communications capabilities in order to steal our pornography during the ensuing chaos.

Half-Life 2, Episode 3: Gordon’s Torment

During the long-awaited E3 conference, Gabe Newell, caving in to widespread fan demand, spills the beans on Half-Life 2’s episode 3, openly verifying that Episode 3 is not in development and in fact never has been. He even admits to his heartbroken audience that he never once cared for the series and that he’s tired of hearing their butthurt cries of anguish.

Furthermore, Gabe Newell reveals the only quote that was to be spoken by Gordon Freeman during the game as: “You guys know I’m gay, right?” before he starts cackling maniacally, mocking the strained, disappointed faces of nerds everywhere.

He is later attacked by the horde of fanboys, dragged out to the street and torn apart by their bare hands, his remains force-fed to the Valve developers, who are then taken hostage and forced to develop the game at gunpoint.

It turns out so much better than expected.


Okay, maybe 2012 wasn’t all that bad. Maybe I got some of my short stories and my very first book published and maybe I had a great time keeping up this blog. Maybe I just like being a cynic, because that’s the language of the Internet.

This is my last 2012 article and even though I know there isn’t that many of you reading this out right now (what with the apocalypse having decimated you and all), I’d like to wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you for to reading my blog!

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