Σάββατο, 14 Ιανουαρίου 2012

Mala Vida

T minus 2 hours

“Fuck you”

“What did you say?”

“Fuck. You.”

“That’s better be me mishearing you cough, boy”

“You heard me.”

“Listen here, asshole. This is the kind of behavior you lose your job over. You’ve been barely productive, you never deliver projects on time and you lost your chance for promotion over the fact that you couldn’t cut the fucking mustard. If this is some kind of outburst because I got promoted and you didn’t, then stop being such a fucking nancy and apologize.”

“No. Fuck you.”

“Oh, wanna be a tough guy huh? You found a pair after all, didn’t you? Okay, shit for brains, pack your things up, you just lost your job. How’s that for a response? Get the hell out of here and I don’t wanna see you again. Capiche ? What the hell are you standing there for? Get the fuck out of here!”


“What the…did you just…SECURITY!”

Ding Ding

“Ah! Oh god, this fucking hurts, SEC-!”


“Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!”

Crack crack


T minus 16 years

“Whatcha got there, Gonad? Hey! Hey, Gonad, whatcha got there? Hey!”

“My name isn’t Gonad.”

“Sure it is, Gonad. You look like a Gonad and you smell like one too. Whatcha doing?”


“Are you playing with your toys all alone, Gonad? Huh? You play with them like shit. I can play better with your toys.”

“No, you can’t.”

“Give them to me, Gonad, or I’ll make you eat dog crap again.”


“Give them to me, Gonad!”

“Stop hitting me! AAAAHH!”

“Give them to me, momma’s boy, come on!”



“Oh my god, what are you doing? Let him go, right now!”




T minus 13 years

“What the fuck is wrong with you, huh?”

“Stop hitting him!”

“What should I do? Let him put out a classmate’s eye and pat him on the back?”

“They had ganged up on him and he was trying to defend himself!”

“Defending himself! He’s always defending himself! You always paint him as the underdog! He’s done this
before remember? That kid he almost stabbed to death with that piece of glass in fourth grade?”

“He was a bully and he was calling him names. He hasn’t hurt anyone who hasn’t hurt him so far!”

“I’m tired of having to clean up after your son’s fucking temper, Joanne! I’m sick and tired of having to hear some teacher or a parent or the goddamn police tell me that this little psychopath has hurt some kid because they bullied him!”

“He’s you son, too!”

“He’s a little freak! And Im. Tired. Of. Putting up. With this. SHIT!”


“Next time you pull shit like that, next time I have to put up with your psycho bullshit I’ll fucking kill you, you bastard! Next time I hear you hurting some kid cause he wasn’t treating you right, I’ll choke you with my own hands! UNDERSTAND?”


“Don’t you fucking give me that look, you dumb shit. I’m getting out of here. I need to get some air.”

T minus 12 years

“I am very sorry for having to put you through this, miss. It’s just that we require someone next of kin to identify him.”

“I…I understand.”

“Is this your husband? Oh my god, are you okay? GET THIS WOMAN A GLASS OF WATER! I’m so sorry we’re putting you through this.”

“No, I understand. He is my husband. What happened to his face?”

“He…your husband had an accident, while working in the foundry. He…lost his balance and fell face first into a vat of molten metal. He slipped.”

“Oh god.”

“It was an honest to god accident. His line of work was dangerous, after all.”

“Are we done here? I want to go home.”

“Sure. I’ll do the paperwork for you. You go on now.”

T minus 5 years

“Says here you have some…anger management problems?”

“No, I assure you I’m perfectly fine, ma’am. I just experience outbursts of anger, like everybody else, sometimes.”

“You have multiple counts of assault on your record. Most have been of course, self defense, but still this file makes you look like a much hated man.”

“I’ve been told I have an underdog face.”

“Well, I can’t really comment on that. Point is, you have an extended history of violence inflicted on a number of persons. Self defense or not, a lot of these acts of violence have been perpetrated since you were underage and then kind of…petered out when you reached adulthood. Did you move in on your own, then?”

“Yes. I moved into my own apartment in the city, after my father died.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“Living on my own? Best damn part of my life, so far.”

“I was talking about your father’s death.”

“It was horrible for me and my mother at first, but we got over it. I never got along with my father, to tell the truth.”

“Says here, on your file that there were a lot of domestic disturbance disputes in your home. Do you think this was somehow connected to your violent behavior?”

“Perhaps. We never got along, me and my dad. My mom always got caught in the middle of it.”

“Want to talk about it?”


“I guess we’ll get back to this later on, when you’re comfortable. Now, despite the fact that you seem to have…calmed down after you moved in on your own, you still have a few self-defense incidents, with grievous harm inflicted on your attacker. I want to talk about the last one, the one that got you here. How does that make you feel, in retrospect?”

“I should have beaten the rest of his teeth out.”

“That’s it? You don’t feel any sort of remorse?”

“The man tried to mug me and called my mother a bitch. He had a knife. I had my bare hands and a piece of broken glass. What did you expect me to do, exactly? Feel bad for a lowlife who makes a living attacking people and taking their money?”

“You very nearly killed him and he lost three teeth.”

“So, proper conduct dictates that I should’ve let him completely kill me and leave my teeth intact?”

“You’re here because you exhibit signs of anti social behavior, not because of not following proper mugging conduct.”

“This is bullshit and you know it. Listen, this isn’t working for me. I need this job. I’m pressed for cash and I spent most of my savings on my mother’s funeral. If my sanity is in question here, then I can assure you that
 I’m absolutely, a hundred percent sane.”

“It’s not your sanity that’s in question here, it’s your capacity to deal with your outbursts of anger.”

“Oh this is a load of bullshit. Listen, there’s a couple of things that I need to do. If you promise to go out with me for a cup of coffee, I’ll give you my full and dirty history of violence. Okay?”

“I honestly shouldn’t go out with a patient.”

“I’ll transfer to another doctor. How about it doc? Wanna go out with a sane angry man and get a cup of coffee for a change?”

T minus 12 months

“What do you mean, you can’t stand being married to me?”

“I can’t take it anymore! You’re so goddamn tense all the time, you drive me fucking crazy!”

“I wouldn’t be driving you crazy, if you stopped treating me like a man instead of a fucking patient!”

“I’m not doing that. I’m just trying to open up a venue for conversation.”

“There! You’re doing it again! Hey, doc, how long’s it been since we had sex, huh? Two months?”

“I just haven’t been feeling well, that’s all. And you…you scare me sometimes.”

“Oh, this is bullshit. I’m going out for a walk.”

T minus 6 months

“You won’t be getting the promotion.”

“Why not? I’ve been trying hard, harder than most guys here at the office. My productivity is up, my numbers look good and so’s my conduct, so why the hell not?”

“I decided to give it to Randall and that’s that.”

“And why is cocksucking slacker fucking Randall fucking getting a promotion he isn’t fucking worth getting in the first place?”

“There’s no reason for you to get upset. Randall’s been with the firm for longer than you have.”

“No, it’s just that he’s porking that fat cunt, Stephenson from HR. The whole fucking office knows it!”

“Mind your tone and language in my office!”

“What? Are you fucking threatening me? You can’t fucking threaten me, you know why? Because I keep your books. You fucking dare threaten me and I’ll doom all you motherfuckers! Wanna give Randall the fucking promotion, go ahead and do it! But don’t you EVER dare threaten me again, you old fuck!”

T minus 3 months

“Archiving. They put me in archiving.”

“Welcome to the asshole of the world, man. Where King Ink eats time and shits…well, shit. They really buried you here, didn’t they?”

“Goddamn right, they fucking buried me.”

“Welcome to bureaucrat hell, dude.”

T minus 1 hour

“What the hell are you doing, Grace?”

“Oh my god! Listen, this isn’t what it seems-”


“Hey, calm down.”

“Don’t you dare fucking touch me, you maggot.”

“Please, listen to me honey, I didn’t mean to, I just…”

“You just sucked the man’s cock for therapeutic reasons? I’ve had enough of you, you stupid, ugly, unbearable, frigid bitch! I’d call you a fucking slut, but I’d be doing you a service! You’re shit and a cunt doctor and a horrible fucking excuse for a wife!”

“Watch your language, man. I won’t have you talk to her like that.”

“Shut the fuck up, you goddamn maggot, before you lose your goddamn cock. This is between me and my shit-sucking wife.”

“Please, Will, don’t fight over me, I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, Will, the cunt will be fine. Now get the fuck out, while you still have a cock to pork other peoples’ wives with.”

“Oh my god, Will no!”


“What’s wrong, maggot? Didn’t see me coming, with the knee on your balls, huh? Think cause you’re a ripped little cunt from a gym that my wife picked up, you can take me? THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME, CUNT? HUH WILL?”


“SHUT UP, BITCH! Sit down, or you’re next. Besides I hurt the IKEA table more than I hurt his thick cunt maggot head.”

“He needs to be taken to a hospital…”

“Nah. He looks worse than he is. Takes more than a couple of bumps to a table corner to hurt these fucks. I’m locking the door. Stay put.”

“Will? Will, talk to me, are you okay? Oh my god, what are you doing with that?”

“I told the maggot I’d take care of his wife-fucking cock. How’s scalding hot coffee for you, Willie?”


“Shut up, you whore!  Or you’re next!”


“Oh come on, Willie, you never got your balls cut off before? You’re making a mess, Willie, ruining the floor. Never cut through muscle before, I tell you it’s fucking hard. Woop! There we go!”


“Oh my god, I’m going to throw up, what did you do to him, you sick fuck?”

“Bastard had it coming. Now, get the fuck out of here. I never want to see you cunt face again.”

“You did this to him, you sick bastard! He’s going to bleed to death.”

“Get out of here before you get worse than that, slut. I’ve never hurt a woman before, don’t make me do it now.”

“You’re not going to get away with this! They’ll kill you!”

“I said, get the fuck out. I already smashed that asshole Randall’s head in with a phone, today. Wanna taste some of that, too? No? Then GET OUT.”


“Stupid piece of shit for a wife. Fucking parents, dead the both of them, when I fucking needed help. Dad was useless, mom was dead weight. Goddamn Randall got his own coming. I guess I shouldn’t have gone so hard on you, Willie. Here, take it back. Ask the police to put it together, cause I didn’t leave you with even an inch to piss with. Oh goddamn it, that felt fucking good though, didn’t it? Oh goddamn that was good. Should’ve fucked that bitch over your bleeding body, maybe that’d loosen her up. No, I wouldn’t do that, no, I love the stupid cunt. Sorry, Willie. I’m so sorry. Here, I’ll call the hospital for you. Good luck, Willie. Hold on there, man.”

T minus zero.

“So he came back here, after attacking his floor manager and his wife’s lover?”

“Yeah, set fire to the goddamn place. We pretty much lost our archives.”

“What purpose could this serve? I mean okay, I get it, arson, but that didn’t really hurt you as a firm, did it?”

“It actually did. The sonovabitch knew this is where we kept records of all our transactions. He torched the place and now we don’t have anything to work with. He even torched the server room. We’re ruined. As a firm, that is.”

“Any idea where to find him?”

“Don’t know where he could possibly go after that. I mean, he torched Hell, man, he got revenge from his wife. I think he vented.”

“You call arson, severely disfiguring a fellow employee and maiming a man’s genitals venting?”

“Oh, come on, officer. Off the record. Don’t you kinda wish you had the balls to do all that? I wish I could and I got less reasons to be angry than him. Don’t you just wish you could say fuck alla you assholes and let go with your anger?”

“Yeah. I kinda wish I could.”

“See? I bet the sonovabitch is sitting at the top of the world now. I don’t honestly think you’ll faze him, even if you put him in a cage and rot the key. Know what I mean?”

“Have a good day, sir.”

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